this is how it started

i'm cleaning my room and minimizing my massive pile of stuff this week. this is how my room looked when i started. it's even worse off screen.

yikes.



so far, two huge bags of clothes for goodwill and a large bag of trash for...the...trashcan. does anyone have some of those vacuum bags that i can shrink all my stuff with?

put your feet up. make yourself at home.

like my new look? i've been moody and pensive lately, and therefore "hey presto feng shui!!" here's my new-looking blog.

it's kinda becoming the center of my interweb universe. most of the stuff i used to have bookmarked in my browser is now in my fun sidebar. let me give you a tour of the new, fresh-to-deathness.

picture: that picture is one that kristen took of The Second City box office when we were waiting to get in. "metal heart" is a wonderful song by cat power, but i heard it when pedro the lion covered it. the other two lines are from pedro's song "june 18, 1976." that's basically just me being moody and depressing. i AM feeling a lot better though.

bio line: i actually came up with this because i was sitting around one night thinking about what i could offer in the way of entertainment, and a list of things i do or attempt to do came out. i was going to put "eater" twice, but that didn't really make sense. not that any of it does.

ingestion: this came from allconsuming, a fun site where you can keep up with things you are watching, reading, and listening to, and find out about other good stuff from other people. this is mostly so you can see it and go, "man, he's cool." except for Will, because he's reading from an rss feed and doesn't see the page. (still love you, though. that's a nice little 10px gap there between the body and the sidebar.)

perusal: there's no new blogs listed in my blogroll, but i've been looking around for some good stuff to read, and they'll be there soon.

other coolness: this is my favorite new stuff in the sidebar. i'm very happy to have found donald miller's blog. he's one of my favorite writers. also i found the blog for postsecret. i first found out about post secret last summer when i was visiting rodger and angela in chapel hill, and we were looking around this store waiting for the Dark Knight to start. the guy basically started this project where people send him postcards with secrets on them, and he publishes them anonymously. very heartbreaking and surreal. i teared up while i was looking through the book. IHTFAF is one of my favorite indie music blogs, especially since he's a fan of bazan. there are lots of artist interviews and show downloads and stuff on there. black cab sessions is a new favorite that i got from Will on twitter, so don't miss that. i'll be constantly adding music and photography and other coolness as i find it. but look through all those. they're good.

hilarity: i've had three of those up a long time, and they are still fun. but if you aren't reading xkcd, then hit yourself on the head with a tack hammer. nerdery and comedy combine. failblog is just people falling down and being morons, and that's ALWAYS funny. you can also get to lolcats through there, which is just the cutest thing ever. ahem. scl is a pretty funny take on stuff white people like, so give that a read, too.

so far, the new year has found me a fairly chatty cathy. hopefully, if i'm boring you to death, you can and least find other stuff here to interest you.

cheers.

it's perfect for my o.c.d.

so, i'm at work today. and i always listen to music while i'm at work. and since i live in georgia, most people here hate my music. so i have on headphones. well, about 15 minutes ago i put on my headphones and, not feeling any one particular style of music today, i put my entire catalog on shuffle. and i looked down and there are exactly TEN. THOUSAND. SONGS. i feel awesome.

here's the first 25 of what played (skipping intro tracks and stuff like that):

enigma - miles davis (great way to start it off)
thetawaves - system of a down
hope to carry on - caedmon's call
just jammin' again - dave matthews band
come on eileen - dexy's midnight runners
side with the seeds - wilco
sabrosa - beastie boys (man, i need to pull that album out again)
mr. jones (live) - counting crows
whisper to a scream - icicle works (i LOVE 80's music...don't tell)
put back the stars - blindside
lovely 2 c u - goldfrapp (i know the song name is wank, but that's an awesome group)
find the river - r.e.m. (ha! this song sounds like 'stay' by lisa loeb when it first starts)
exit music (for a film) - radiohead (my last year of college, i would go to sleep at night with radiohead playing)
money for nothing - dire straits (one of the first videos i ever remember seeing on MTV)
dancing nancies - dave matthews band (EARLY version)(also one of the few dave songs i can play on guitar)
out of my mind - john mayer trio (let me just say, john is THE guitarist of our generation)
sma - chevelle
together - the raconteurs (i still don't think jack white is anything special)
port of entry - vigilantes of love (one of the many v.o.l. songs i had never heard before)
flora's secret - enya (i honestly don't know why)
water - lauryn hill (from the amazing unplugged album)
walk on - u2 (meh)
war within a breath - rage against the machine (i have to thank rodger for this...i never would have listened to this if not for his influence)
star slight - at the drive in
whoomp! there it is - tag team (i'm so happy this list ended on this song)

chris rock once said that 'livin' la vida loca' was the puerto rican 'whoomp there it is.' for the sake of the puerto rican people, i hope not.

happy saturday!

my mid-life crises

i was going to put crisises. you know, just to be funny.

(DISCLAIMER: this is really depressing. it's also a continuation of some stuff i talked about two posts ago)

in 2008, i turned 30. and it was no big deal. really. oh, i made the normal dread-being-30 jokes and old man quips and what have you. but really, when it happened, i just woke up and went to work and it was no big deal (actually i didn't go to work because i took two days off. HA!) i had so many other things to worry about at that time, and i honestly didn't feel any different. and now, suddenly, i'm having a combination of panic attacks about how short life is, and feelings of utter hopelessness. for the past couple of months, i have been surprised by a fear of dying. i think, "i'm 30. and that 30 went by FAST. and what if i die when i'm 60? then i only have 30 more years to do EVERYTHING. and what if the second 30 is quicker than the first 30? and what if it takes 10 years to get anywhere with acting, and then i only have 20 years? or God forbid the acting thing doesn't take off at all, and then i will be..." and on and on and on.

what if i get there and realize i was only kidding myself? you know, like i've kidded myself about everything else.

last night, at our bible study group, we talked about what from 2008 we wanted to leave behind. i didn't answer, because what was i going to say? everything? well, not EVERYthing. there were good points. but a lot of it. and then we talked about what were striving for in this coming year. i realized, as i was thinking about that question, that i have never in my life felt hopeless. until now. it's an odd mixture of bad choices and regret and hesitation and failure and guilt, which wouldn't have a hold on me if not for the fact that i let it build and fester and grow. and it has sucked the joy out of life. i'm basically not excited about the things that i'm usually excited about.

and really, i'm not hopeless. and i'm not scared to die. and i'm not worried about being an actor. i just get these...momentary lapses. i'm talking, like, 127 seconds of panic! on the couch. in that brief time, the world is collapsing and nothing will go right and there is no way i'll ever get out of this - this - this whatever it is. but life goes on and the moments pass and soon i get back to the excitement of...waiting.

chicago can't come soon enough. maybe i'll just go this weekend.

they complement each other

over the last year, there has been one pair of songs that i always play together whenever i hear them. if either one comes on in a playlist, even if it is a shuffled playlist, i will un-shuffle, go back to the first one, and play them together. and then i move on. you should try it. you probably already have.

tiny vessels
transatlanticism

(not the actual videos)

they are like one song to me. it probably helps that vessels carries over on the album. i can't think of another pair of songs that come back-to-back on an album that i absolutely HAVE to hear together. there may be some, but i've never NOT listened to these two together.

that's weird, wild stuff.

the new year yah-yah's

it's better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all.

once again, we're back on this side of the sun. things are changing. i'm sure you notice my new blog look. kristen did that photo up for me, and it is pretty much the most awesome. it's a picture of the outside of The Second City. (btw, if anyone knows how to center that photo on the page, let me know.)

i am currently writing from the couch. yesterday morning, right before i left for work, i began vomiting my guts out. i ended up going to the doctor and getting some drugs and stuff, and i've been in bed ever since.

i don't feel very reflective anymore. perhaps that's why i haven't been posting as much. i don't feel hopeful about this year, probably because i can't move or breathe and i haven't gotten up in 20 hours. or maybe because this last year went so badly. i often worry about making the wrong choices. i'm worried that i should go to new york instead of chicago, or that i shouldn't go at all. or maybe that i should do theater instead of improv. i guess the fear of the unknown makes you question yourself. and your motives.

at best, this year will be the launching pad for me getting where i want to go. at worst, well, i'll be sitting right where i am, having never tried.


-------------------------------------------------
Losing the star without a sky
Losing the reasons why
You're losing the calling that you've been faking
And i'm not kidding

It's damned if you don't and it's damned if you do
Be true 'cause they'll lock you up in a sad sad zoo
Oh hidy hidy hidy what cha tryin to prove
By hidy hidy hiding you're not worth a thing

Sew your fortunes on a string
And hold them up to light
Blue smoke will take
A very violent flight
And you will be changed
And everything
And you will be in a very sad sad zoo.

I once was lost but now i'm found
Was blind but now I see you
How selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming

Metal heart you're not hiding
Metal heart you're not worth a thing

-Cat Power

Nearing the end

the end of the year is almost here. i LITERALLY can't believe how fast this year has flown by. of course things haven't happened the way I thought they would, but does it really ever?

The play was awesome! I was in two shows for school kids on the 11th, and then we had public shows on friday, saturday, and sunday. my mom and brother came to the saturday night show. but first things first, friday night after the show, me and some cast memebers went to the pizza joint for a slice, and as i'm walking out to my car, a woman approaches and knocks on my window. IT'S KRISTEN!! she flew in to surprise me and see the show and hang out for the weekend. so she also came to the saturday night show, with mAndrew and elsie. and dave and virginia came to see the sunday show. i had a super-fantasic time doing the play. kristen and i kicked it all weekend, and we OF COURSE had a blast. (special thanks to dianna for tirelessly making me look like a pretty pretty girl all week)(the picture is me and amanda (the very talented girl who played the ghost of christmas future - and yes i DO look good in that picture)

four days after the show, i auditioned for another play, Into the Woods, and...sigh...i didn't get a part. for the first time in my entire life, i was turned down for a part. that was a hard pill to swallow. but thanks to dianna's gentle encouragement, i got through it.

so now i'm done with work for the year, and tonight i made my first attempt to buy a christmas present (yes, you read that correctly). at least i get seven whole days off for christmas this year! yay grownup!

Open to the public!

Tomorrow night, we open A Christmas Carol to the public. I performed in two shows this morning, all to elementary and middle school kids, and those went pretty well. I just got home from a five hour dress rehearsal, which went well. I think we are going to kill in the public shows.

So, the Imperial Theater is sleeping quietly. The ghost light is lit, and the rain is falling softly.

And tomorrow night? Magic.

know what I'm listening to right now?

(aside from the Les Mis soundtrack, of course)

this.

oh bliss.

who has time for anything?

not me, that's who.

i'm doing a play locally right now. about a month ago, dianna called me up and said they needed tenors for A Christmas Carol, and i said, "hey i'm a tenor!" a month later, i have traces of eyeliner on my eyes from tech rehearsal last night, and i'm getting less and less sleep. i play "banker" or "banker 1." i actually have a couple of lines and i wear a little mic that hangs over my ear. gather and sing of this glorious thing known as Christ-mas, to-gether!

in other news, yet another high school girl has caused damage to my car. this rhodes scholar cut me off and then slammed on brakes. have fun buying a new front end for my car.

i've been listening to a lot of good new music lately. i bought kanye's new album, 808's and heartbreak, and while it's not great, it is unique and i appreciate it. also, i've been listening to feist, the national, the killers, goldfrapp, ray lamontagne, snow patrol, colin meloy, and synthar, to name a few. seriously, stop what you are doing and download 'colin meloy sings live!' from iTunes right now. it will change your life. oh, i also just got about 30 miles davis and john coltrane cd's, which is amazing.

oh, and SPEAKING of music, a parcel arrived at my doorstep yesterday, the contents of which is a new live Dave Matthews album, from your friend and mine, bree. you're the best, blawyger.

well, that's it for now. more soon. including pictures of me in makeup.