It's coming along...
Update: My Gmail inbox went from 340 emails to 15. That's right.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
pipes and starbucks and the coming of the internalization of pat
Beardyface and I are sitting outside on this gorgeous night, smoking pipes and being generally awesome. I know you agree. He's reading An Introduction to Theories of Learning, and I'm doing this.
So, I didn't notice until I started writing this, but I really do look like my dad in this picture. He was much more tan than I, but other than that. Also, the way my glasses are down a little bit looks like his reading glasses, so...there's that.
So I come to this Starbucks all the time. I used to study here two or three nights a week while I was in radiography school. There are these two people that are ALWAYS. HERE. One is a middle aged black gentleman who kinda looks like Kenan Thompson doing Herman Cain, only completely bald, and a thicker mustache. He comes here to watch videos on his laptop and read the newspaper. I cannot think of a single night that I've been here that this guy has not been here. The other is this early-60's white lady that, quite frankly, looks like Mortianna from Prince of Thieves, only just chilling with coffee and newspapers and this white plastic bad she always carries around, not all freaking out about a painted man that haunts her dreams. (Love that movie. LOVE Alan Rickman.)
These two skeevers, as I've unfairly labeled them in the past, cause me to think. I mean, honestly, I come here all the time, too. I used to come here all the time to study. Now, not so much. I mean, I come for the free wi-fi, and the awesome chai, and the feeling like I'm not alone, but I guess because I know my reasons, then I know I'm not a skeever. And they aren't skeevers either. The baristas speak very highly of both of them, and I'm sure they are charming people, but I never do what Rick Springfield tells me not to do.
Being that I'm getting older, and also being in love (oh YEAH, I should post about that sometime!) has caused (have caused? had causeded? has causededed?) me to being being more introspective, which I have wanted to happen to me for a long time. See, my brain, for all of my life, has been a jumbled mush of useless trivia (awesome), movie and tv references (awesome), random images from my past (uh...okay), all the arguments I've ever been in (except in my head I win them), girls, comic books, the internet, money, and sometimes Jesus. This has frustrated me to no end, and has complicated my spiritual life and thought life dramatically. I want so badly to delve into the spiritual mysteries, to be able to sit down with a book that doesn't sword fights or car chases or boobs, or a text book for that matter, or to sit with a friend and talk about real life and not drift off into la-la land. I've long thought I have A.D.D. (still haven't talked to my doc about that yet), but I know that when I've done well with my eating habits and my running, that I feel a lot better and have more energy, so I'm not going to buy into the myth until I've gone hardbody and still can't concentrate.
But. I have started internalizing a little more. Started digging into the whys and hows of my life, growing a little bit. Becoming a little less angry. Not reacting to things the way old Pat would have. I even got a planner. I dunno. I guess that's growing up. Growing up is not as whack as I once believed. I'm just going to start working on clearing out all the garbage a little bit (not so much of that stuff 'in' anymore), and quieting myself a little more, and we'll see what happens.
True life. Word is bond.
Sup.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Tom Conlon
Cheers.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Just kidding.
Also, I have a mustache now.
...ish.
That was maybe a week ago. It's a hair (haha..."hair") darker and thicker now, but the unfair thing is that half of the hairs are blonde, and the other 2000 don't exist. So...
Thanks a crapload, DAD.
Also, I chose this picture because, of the three that I have, this one shows the least of the giant nose-tip pimple I'm forming. I may, or may not, have bought some concealer to wear. Keep checking Snopes for verification.
UPDATE: Due to a slightly painful, totally hilarious conversation going on on my facebook status right now, I must explain my reasons for what Jo lovingly calls my "creepy guy pervy" mustache. I love her immensely, but she just moved from a 12 to an 11.
1. I have always wanted facial hair, probably because my dad had a thick mustache all of my childhood. My dad wasn't even one of my top 20 favorite people of the last 34 years, but still, a boy and his father.
2. There is an unfair aura around "mustache-only" looks. It's become associated with pornography (NOT cool), child molesters (497% less cool than pornography), and white trash gentlemen (a la Joe Dirt - pretty funny, but still less than cool). Although these associations have merit, I think it is unfair to label me into one of those categories.
3. I really just want to see what it will do. I think it would be kinda cool if it would fill out and if it did I wonder if I would look more like my dad. I looked exclusively like my mom until about halfway through college, and then I started noticing some of my dad's features. Big ears, etc. I've blogged about this before.
Anyway, so, I'm aware of the connotations. Up to now, I have not gotten any looks from mothers passing by, and even the people who don't like it generally chuckle. My bros are encouraging it (they want me to join their ranks desperately), and my brother John makes the best and most insulting jokes about it, as only he can.
I'm okay with it. It will go away eventually. I'm not blind.
...ish.
That was maybe a week ago. It's a hair (haha..."hair") darker and thicker now, but the unfair thing is that half of the hairs are blonde, and the other 2000 don't exist. So...
Thanks a crapload, DAD.
Also, I chose this picture because, of the three that I have, this one shows the least of the giant nose-tip pimple I'm forming. I may, or may not, have bought some concealer to wear. Keep checking Snopes for verification.
UPDATE: Due to a slightly painful, totally hilarious conversation going on on my facebook status right now, I must explain my reasons for what Jo lovingly calls my "creepy guy pervy" mustache. I love her immensely, but she just moved from a 12 to an 11.
1. I have always wanted facial hair, probably because my dad had a thick mustache all of my childhood. My dad wasn't even one of my top 20 favorite people of the last 34 years, but still, a boy and his father.
2. There is an unfair aura around "mustache-only" looks. It's become associated with pornography (NOT cool), child molesters (497% less cool than pornography), and white trash gentlemen (a la Joe Dirt - pretty funny, but still less than cool). Although these associations have merit, I think it is unfair to label me into one of those categories.
3. I really just want to see what it will do. I think it would be kinda cool if it would fill out and if it did I wonder if I would look more like my dad. I looked exclusively like my mom until about halfway through college, and then I started noticing some of my dad's features. Big ears, etc. I've blogged about this before.
Anyway, so, I'm aware of the connotations. Up to now, I have not gotten any looks from mothers passing by, and even the people who don't like it generally chuckle. My bros are encouraging it (they want me to join their ranks desperately), and my brother John makes the best and most insulting jokes about it, as only he can.
I'm okay with it. It will go away eventually. I'm not blind.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Thursday, March 29, 2012
attention deficit hyperactOH LOOK A PONY
the funny thing about the title is that i typed it in and then left it for a week and a half.
ANYway.
my entire life i thought i was a.d.d. when i got older i learned about a.d.h.d, and i thought i was that, too. i really did. also, i really knew, deep down, that it was just an excuse and that i really wasn't. see, i wanted something to be wrong with me, but i didn't really think there WAS anything wrong with me. except laziness. i am eat up with lazy. (say that last sentence with a country accecnt, and prounounce eat "et")
i almost got tested for a.d.d. in college. i was thisclose. and then i didn't. probably because it would cost money. when i went back to school two and a half years ago, i started out like a cannon blast. studying every night, doing homework, never leaving my house, making awesome grades. i made the dean's list. that's right. the dean's list. dean's list of nerds. this guy.
reason: i was a problem child. wild. hyper. husky. bully. cusser. rebellious (to a degree). honestly, i didn't mature until, well, after college. i kinda matured in college, but only in that i got old and sullen and bitter. and there hasn't been much in the way of maturity in the last six years. right kristen?
well, since those first two semesters a few years ago, my concentration has waned, my determination has faltered, my focus has blurred. especially since last summer. last summer was hell-atious. a 5-week summer quarter that basically jammed four classes into two, and in half the time normally allotted. i studied so much, i think i fried myself. since then, studying has been, well, sort of a joke. not that the studying that i did last summer was awesome. i just did a ton of it.
and part of the problem, i know, has been this program. my teachers' idea of teaching is to tell us what to read in the book. anytime you ask them to explain or expound, more often than not you end up more confused than when you started. my other problem is my classmates. see, i have found one way of studying that works for me. study with a partner and explain things out loud to them, almost as if i'm teaching them. that's the one tried and true method that works for me. unfortunately, i'm in class with 11 of the most self-absorbed, study-by-themselves people you've ever met. or else they are really annoying and i can't study with them. truth.
so, lately i've been seeing this therapist, and she (of course) is telling me to take ADD meds and anti-depressants. yay drugs! only, i don't want to take drugs because they skeeve me out and i don't want to end up like my uncle paul. so i finally talked to my doctor about it. he told me what he should have told me, which is that meds are only a band-aid, and i need to start taking care of myself and that would work better (stop being the most stressed out, busy person ever, exercise, eat right, etc, etc...). BUT. he gave me this thing to read about a.d.h.d. he said, "just read this and if we need to talk about it some more, let me know." i was like, "okay." didn't plan on reading it.
but then i did.
and see, when i was little, i was super smart. in kindergarten, my teacher met with my mom after one month and told her that i could be moved up to first grade and be caught up by christmas, but i was such a discipline problem that it wouldn't work. i'm sure my mom was like, "couldn't you have told me this over the phone?" among other things.
i was always at the head of my class, and in 2nd grade i was even in the gifted program, but got kicked out for being to hyper. around 7th grade i started having to study, and that's when my grades started falling. i've been an average student ever since. i make high c's and low b's without even really studying. imagine.
so, now, i'm sure i have a.d.h.d.
to drug or not to drug. that is the question.
discuss.
ANYway.
my entire life i thought i was a.d.d. when i got older i learned about a.d.h.d, and i thought i was that, too. i really did. also, i really knew, deep down, that it was just an excuse and that i really wasn't. see, i wanted something to be wrong with me, but i didn't really think there WAS anything wrong with me. except laziness. i am eat up with lazy. (say that last sentence with a country accecnt, and prounounce eat "et")
i almost got tested for a.d.d. in college. i was thisclose. and then i didn't. probably because it would cost money. when i went back to school two and a half years ago, i started out like a cannon blast. studying every night, doing homework, never leaving my house, making awesome grades. i made the dean's list. that's right. the dean's list. dean's list of nerds. this guy.
reason: i was a problem child. wild. hyper. husky. bully. cusser. rebellious (to a degree). honestly, i didn't mature until, well, after college. i kinda matured in college, but only in that i got old and sullen and bitter. and there hasn't been much in the way of maturity in the last six years. right kristen?
well, since those first two semesters a few years ago, my concentration has waned, my determination has faltered, my focus has blurred. especially since last summer. last summer was hell-atious. a 5-week summer quarter that basically jammed four classes into two, and in half the time normally allotted. i studied so much, i think i fried myself. since then, studying has been, well, sort of a joke. not that the studying that i did last summer was awesome. i just did a ton of it.
and part of the problem, i know, has been this program. my teachers' idea of teaching is to tell us what to read in the book. anytime you ask them to explain or expound, more often than not you end up more confused than when you started. my other problem is my classmates. see, i have found one way of studying that works for me. study with a partner and explain things out loud to them, almost as if i'm teaching them. that's the one tried and true method that works for me. unfortunately, i'm in class with 11 of the most self-absorbed, study-by-themselves people you've ever met. or else they are really annoying and i can't study with them. truth.
so, lately i've been seeing this therapist, and she (of course) is telling me to take ADD meds and anti-depressants. yay drugs! only, i don't want to take drugs because they skeeve me out and i don't want to end up like my uncle paul. so i finally talked to my doctor about it. he told me what he should have told me, which is that meds are only a band-aid, and i need to start taking care of myself and that would work better (stop being the most stressed out, busy person ever, exercise, eat right, etc, etc...). BUT. he gave me this thing to read about a.d.h.d. he said, "just read this and if we need to talk about it some more, let me know." i was like, "okay." didn't plan on reading it.
but then i did.
The following behaviors and problems may stem directly from ADHD or may be the result of related adjustment difficulties:
- Chronic lateness and forgetfulness. (check)
- Anxiety. (check)
- Low self-esteem. (double check)
- Employment problems. (nah)
- Difficulty controlling anger. (super check)
- Impulsiveness. (checks)
- Substance abuse or addiction. (check)
- Poor organization skills. (very check)
- Procrastination. (hahahahahaCHECK)
- Low frustration tolerance. (ohboycheck)
- Chronic boredom. (WOWcheck)
- Difficulty concentrating when reading. (any other word besides check that i can use?)
- Mood swings. (yuuuuuuuuuup)
- Depression. (sadcheck)
- Relationship problems. (highfivecheck)
"There are 3 main symptoms: distractibility, impulsiveness, and hyperactivity." (gulp)
- Is distracted by what is going on around him. (huh?)
- Starts but doesn't finish things. (yeah that's m...)
- Acts or reacts quickly without thinking of the outcome. (hoo boy)
- Talks when other people are talking. (i don't do that)
- Is quick to anger. (fuuuuuuuuuu...)
- Fidgets and cannot sit still. (********** - that's me drumming on the desk)
- Gets bored very quickly. (i've started and stopped this post 11 times already)
Probably also:
and see, when i was little, i was super smart. in kindergarten, my teacher met with my mom after one month and told her that i could be moved up to first grade and be caught up by christmas, but i was such a discipline problem that it wouldn't work. i'm sure my mom was like, "couldn't you have told me this over the phone?" among other things.
i was always at the head of my class, and in 2nd grade i was even in the gifted program, but got kicked out for being to hyper. around 7th grade i started having to study, and that's when my grades started falling. i've been an average student ever since. i make high c's and low b's without even really studying. imagine.
so, now, i'm sure i have a.d.h.d.
to drug or not to drug. that is the question.
discuss.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
a little music to make your week...
Also, check out Cmon Talk and Stay With Me. This guys is amazeballs.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
chillin' in the cut
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Imagine me saying this with my mouth full of food, tears streaming down my face, mascara running...well not the mascara, but everything else. That's what my life is lately.
Like this blog, I've become a (very) vast wasteland. Rotting carcass, tumbleweed, yadda yadda yadda. This is the result of two years of being in school full-time, working at Holiday Inn part-time, and working for my church part-time. I'm a billion pounds overweight (an exaggeration, but only by a few pounds), I'm stressed out, I'm broke, I'm angry a lot, going to therapy and relying on my friends to keep me from dropping into full-blown depression. WOOOOOOOOO!!
It's not as bad as I make it out to be, actually. Especially not tonight, because I don't feel that bad right now. But I'm easily set off. Like I said in my last post (dated almost a year ago), I am an angry young man. Only, I'm not so young. And I don't feel like a man a lot of the time. Not that I'm NOT a man.
I'm just waiting for my real life to begin, I guess. (GREAT song) (Actually, it makes me want to stop writing this and go watch Scrubs. Maybe later.) But seriously, I finish school at the end of April, and nothing else in my life has gone on hold for me, so everything is still the same, with school on top of it. Yayyyyy. (Scrubs quote - JD: yayyyyyy, youhurtmyfeelings.)
What's going to be funny is when I finish, get a good job, make all the changes in my life, etc, etc, and I still don't feel any different. It's like I keep looking for some cure-all for whatever is wrong with me. (Some dude just called me at work and yelled at me because of something I can't do anything about. I wanted to tell him I didn't give two rats' B-holes about it, but A) I'm not allowed to do that and 2) he hung up. (Is it rat's? Rats'? Rat's'? I think I'm right but anyway...)
Sidebar: I'm awesome at customer service. A guy checked in awhile ago, all gruff and surly, biker dude, and was irritated because he didn't get a fridge in his room. All of ours were checked out, so I borrowed one for him from the Sheraton next door and put it in his room while he was out to dinner. Now he is happy and he got my name so he could fill out a comment thing for me at our parent company. Who rocks? It is me. I am the one who...that...is...rocks.
What was I talking about?
Here's my schedge (that's my shortening of schedule, and I added the "ge" so you'd know to pronounce it. You're welcome.) for the next few months:
Friday: camping. w00t.
March 12: Start my last clinical rotation at DD-MAC on Fort Gordon
April 3: I become an even older bastard
April 30: Graduation
May: Take the registry sometime, find a job, start my secondary life
June 6: Worship conference in Marietta
June 10: Cincinnati for 10 days, to a quiet cabin in the woods. Do not call me.
June 21: K-flix is running an Ironman in Couer d'Alene, ID, so I'm going to go up there and scare myself into not training for the half-marathon. Also, I'll get to see Bree! And maybe my brother Jeff and my sister Chris!
Nov 22: Thanksgiving Day Half-marathon. I will die here and donate my body to the Vineyard Church for parties and warnings of what not to do and practical jokes and stuff. Should be fun.
Okay well. Bye.
Like this blog, I've become a (very) vast wasteland. Rotting carcass, tumbleweed, yadda yadda yadda. This is the result of two years of being in school full-time, working at Holiday Inn part-time, and working for my church part-time. I'm a billion pounds overweight (an exaggeration, but only by a few pounds), I'm stressed out, I'm broke, I'm angry a lot, going to therapy and relying on my friends to keep me from dropping into full-blown depression. WOOOOOOOOO!!
It's not as bad as I make it out to be, actually. Especially not tonight, because I don't feel that bad right now. But I'm easily set off. Like I said in my last post (dated almost a year ago), I am an angry young man. Only, I'm not so young. And I don't feel like a man a lot of the time. Not that I'm NOT a man.
I'm just waiting for my real life to begin, I guess. (GREAT song) (Actually, it makes me want to stop writing this and go watch Scrubs. Maybe later.) But seriously, I finish school at the end of April, and nothing else in my life has gone on hold for me, so everything is still the same, with school on top of it. Yayyyyy. (Scrubs quote - JD: yayyyyyy, youhurtmyfeelings.)
What's going to be funny is when I finish, get a good job, make all the changes in my life, etc, etc, and I still don't feel any different. It's like I keep looking for some cure-all for whatever is wrong with me. (Some dude just called me at work and yelled at me because of something I can't do anything about. I wanted to tell him I didn't give two rats' B-holes about it, but A) I'm not allowed to do that and 2) he hung up. (Is it rat's? Rats'? Rat's'? I think I'm right but anyway...)
Sidebar: I'm awesome at customer service. A guy checked in awhile ago, all gruff and surly, biker dude, and was irritated because he didn't get a fridge in his room. All of ours were checked out, so I borrowed one for him from the Sheraton next door and put it in his room while he was out to dinner. Now he is happy and he got my name so he could fill out a comment thing for me at our parent company. Who rocks? It is me. I am the one who...that...is...rocks.
What was I talking about?
Here's my schedge (that's my shortening of schedule, and I added the "ge" so you'd know to pronounce it. You're welcome.) for the next few months:
Friday: camping. w00t.
March 12: Start my last clinical rotation at DD-MAC on Fort Gordon
April 3: I become an even older bastard
April 30: Graduation
May: Take the registry sometime, find a job, start my secondary life
June 6: Worship conference in Marietta
June 10: Cincinnati for 10 days, to a quiet cabin in the woods. Do not call me.
June 21: K-flix is running an Ironman in Couer d'Alene, ID, so I'm going to go up there and scare myself into not training for the half-marathon. Also, I'll get to see Bree! And maybe my brother Jeff and my sister Chris!
Nov 22: Thanksgiving Day Half-marathon. I will die here and donate my body to the Vineyard Church for parties and warnings of what not to do and practical jokes and stuff. Should be fun.
Okay well. Bye.
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