attention deficit hyperactOH LOOK A PONY

the funny thing about the title is that i typed it in and then left it for a week and a half.


ANYway.


my entire life i thought i was a.d.d. when i got older i learned about a.d.h.d, and i thought i was that, too. i really did. also, i really knew, deep down, that it was just an excuse and that i really wasn't. see, i wanted something to be wrong with me, but i didn't really think there WAS anything wrong with me. except laziness. i am eat up with lazy. (say that last sentence with a country accecnt, and prounounce eat "et")


i almost got tested for a.d.d. in college. i was thisclose. and then i didn't. probably because it would cost money. when i went back to school two and a half years ago, i started out like a cannon blast. studying every night, doing homework, never leaving my house, making awesome grades. i made the dean's list. that's right. the dean's list. dean's list of nerds. this guy. 


reason: i was a problem child. wild. hyper. husky. bully. cusser. rebellious (to a degree). honestly, i didn't mature until, well, after college. i kinda matured in college, but only in that i got old and sullen and bitter. and there hasn't been much in the way of maturity in the last six years. right kristen?


well, since those first two semesters a few years ago, my concentration has waned, my determination has faltered, my focus has blurred. especially since last summer. last summer was hell-atious. a 5-week summer quarter that basically jammed four classes into two, and in half the time normally allotted. i studied so much, i think i fried myself. since then, studying has been, well, sort of a joke. not that the studying that i did last summer was awesome. i just did a ton of it. 


and part of the problem, i know, has been this program. my teachers' idea of teaching is to tell us what to read in the book. anytime you ask them to explain or expound, more often than not you end up more confused than when you started. my other problem is my classmates. see, i have found one way of studying that works for me. study with a partner and explain things out loud to them, almost as if i'm teaching them. that's the one tried and true method that works for me. unfortunately, i'm in class with 11 of the most self-absorbed, study-by-themselves people you've ever met. or else they are really annoying and i can't study with them. truth.


so, lately i've been seeing this therapist, and she (of course) is telling me to take ADD meds and anti-depressants. yay drugs! only, i don't want to take drugs because they skeeve me out and i don't want to end up like my uncle paul. so i finally talked to my doctor about it. he told me what he should have told me, which is that meds are only a band-aid, and i need to start taking care of myself and that would work better (stop being the most stressed out, busy person ever, exercise, eat right, etc, etc...). BUT. he gave me this thing to read about a.d.h.d. he said, "just read this and if we need to talk about it some more, let me know." i was like, "okay." didn't plan on reading it. 


but then i did.

The following behaviors and problems may stem directly from ADHD or may be the result of related adjustment difficulties:

•  Chronic lateness and forgetfulness. (check)
•  Anxiety. (check)
•  Low self-esteem. (double check)
•  Employment problems. (nah)
•  Difficulty controlling anger. (super check)
• Impulsiveness. (checks)
• Substance abuse or addiction. (check)
• Poor organization skills. (very check)
• Procrastination. (hahahahahaCHECK)
• Low frustration tolerance. (ohboycheck)
• Chronic boredom. (WOWcheck)
• Difficulty concentrating when reading. (any other word besides check that i can use?)
• Mood swings. (yuuuuuuuuuup)
• Depression. (sadcheck)
• Relationship problems. (highfivecheck)

 "There are 3 main symptoms: distractibility, impulsiveness, and hyperactivity." (gulp) 

• Is distracted by what is going on around him. (huh?)
• Starts but doesn't finish things. (yeah that's m...)
• Acts or reacts quickly without thinking of the outcome. (hoo boy)
• Talks when other people are talking. (i don't do that)
• Is quick to anger. (fuuuuuuuuuu...)
• Fidgets and cannot sit still. (********** - that's me drumming on the desk)
• Gets bored very quickly. (i've started and stopped this post 11 times already)

Probably also: 

• Learning disorders. (uh...)
• Bipolarity (i've always wondered)
• Personality disorders (don't get me started)
• Impulse control disorders (overeating AND spending money. a too-fer.)
• Explosive anger (you won't like me when I'm angry)

and see, when i was little, i was super smart. in kindergarten, my teacher met with my mom after one month and told her that i could be moved up to first grade and be caught up by christmas, but i was such a discipline problem that it wouldn't work. i'm sure my mom was like, "couldn't you have told me this over the phone?" among other things.


i was always at the head of my class, and in 2nd grade i was even in the gifted program, but got kicked out for being to hyper. around 7th grade i started having to study, and that's when my grades started falling. i've been an average student ever since. i make high c's and low b's without even really studying. imagine.


so, now, i'm sure i have a.d.h.d. 


to drug or not to drug. that is the question. 


discuss.