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Wednesday Words 2.0

I say 2.0 because I've done Wednesday Words before, obviously. It's the best day to do a "words" post, not just alliterationally, but because...because...I say so.

Okay, so really alliteration is the only reason that Wednesday is the best day. Sue me.

1. Hot: It just got hot here. Today. June 12. In Augusta. Usually by now, it's been hot for at least two months. We've had warm days, sure. But today, when you walk outside, you get punched in the junk with heat. Welcome back, jerk. I hate you. Bring on the cold weather again!

2. Home Group: Different churches call them different things. Our church also calls them Kinship groups, but they can be called D-groups, cell groups, bibles studies, whatever. But anyway, they are the lifeblood of our church, we always say. And it's true. I've made lifelong friends in my home groups in the last 11 years, people who are now spread out all over the world. The one I'm in now I lead with a couple of those lifelong friends, and in a month we'll be splitting this group into two because of how big it's gotten, and I'll be leading a group on my own for the first time. This is frightening to me. I mean, I've already been leading the worship team for two years, but this feels different. It's very easy to all-of-the-sudden look at my life and say, "Me? Who am I to lead a group of people in anything? I suck!" But it's going to be fun and I'm looking forward to the challenge.

3. Monies: I hate money. Seriously. It's been rough. I have two jobs, one at the church and one at the hospital, but I just make enough to get by. I've been applying for more X-ray work, but every time I feel like the Lord is lining something up for me, it crumbles. I just try to be thankful and trusting, but SRSLY! Come on, Lord! I have some interviews coming up soon, so pray or think about me or whatever you do, friends.

4. Scrabble: On a lighter note, I've been playing Scrabble a lot lately. There's finally a good Scrabble app for iPhone, and I've been playing my nemesis, Jeff. Scrabble is 10 times better than Words With Friends, so all you guys get on it!

5. Top 5: I recently made an adjustment to my all-time, top 5 movies list. This is a huge thing for me. You may recall, dear reader, that this blog was, in fact, originally titled Top 5, an homage to my favorite movie of all time, High Fidelity. ("Rob? Top five musical crimes perpetrated by Stevie Wonder in the 80's and 90's: GO. SUB-question: Is it fair to punish a formerly-great artist for his latter-day sins? Is it better to burn out than to fade away??") So anyway, former top 5 list was, in 1-5 order, High Fidelity, Top Gun, With Honors, So I Married an Axe Murderer, and Reality Bites. After reading about Ethan Hawke recently, I realized that, while I do love that movie, there are better, more befitting movies that could sit in the coveted #5 spot. And in the last week it hit me. A movie that I've talked about on this blog, that has gotten me through hard times, has an unbelievable 1-2 punch cast, and was, unbelievably, one of JJ Abrams' first masterpieces (writer). I refer to, of course, Regarding Henry (careful, that link has bite). Farewell, Reality Bites. I will always be a fan of Hey, That's My Bike, and you have one of the best soundtracks of all time.

6. Eighty: I've been listening to 80's music a lot lately. Right now, in fact. It's the best decade.

7. Yoga: So I started doing DDP Yoga. Watch this inspirational video to see why! After three weeks, I must say, it's been amazing. What an incredible workout. It kills me, and I feel amazing afterwards. I'm just getting started, but I love it already and I'm already trying to figure out my schedule to do yoga AND get back into running. Go healthy!!

8. Apartment: I've been apartment hunting for my girlfriend! I know, right? Victorie is in OT school in Birmingham, and is in the middle of her first 12-week fieldwork rotation. She originally was going to be at Johns Hopkins for her second, but that fell through, so now she's trying to get located here. I feel so grown up! 

9. Friends: My friends are doing awesome things! Kristen is of course kicking ass, as per usual. My friends Richard and Sarah have just uprooted their lives and moved to Portland, OR, and I'm not at ALL jealous (maybe 5%). Babies are growing everywhere. Justin Bieber is going into outer space. Daniel and Karis are getting married. Vic's friend Shanna is photog'ing at the Spurs game tomorrow night. Life is good. 

Anyway, that's me. And some other people. How are you?

A short reflection at 35 years and one day

"You do not yet look so happy as I mean you to be," said Aslan. 

Lucy said, "We're so afraid of being sent away, Aslan. And you have sent us back into our own world so often." 

"No fear of that," said Aslan. "Have you not guessed?" 

Their hearts leaped and a wild hope rose within them. 

"There was a real railway accident," said Aslan softly. "Your father and mother and all of you are - as you used to call it in the Shadowlands - dead. The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning." 

And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them is was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at least they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.                                                                                            

- The Last Battle, C.S. Lewis

This is the last page of the last book in the Chronicles of Narnia, and it destroys me. In the best way possible. The Chronicles are among my favorite books of all time, and I've read them probably more than 20 times. They are an allegory for life in the faith, a children's tale that speaks to the heart of adults as well. I'm 35 as of yesterday, and I still learn from these books.

When Jeff read this page during his sermon the past Sunday, I wept. That's who I've been in the last six months. As I've delved deep into the heart of God, he has churned me up. He has made me raw.

This passage, very obviously, is about death and the life to come for those who believe in the Lord. And it, more than almost anything, makes my heart cry out for it. Not that I long for death by any means, but in that I  desire to be done with all of this, to be done with the questions and the pain and the destruction and the decay, and to be there in the Kingdom, a new body and a happy heart, being full and assured of God's love and blessing, sitting with my Father as I've longed to do all my life. As we all have longed for, whether we've known it or not.

I probably won't leave this world for a long time, and I'm very okay with that. I will persevere and run after God and enjoy the good things of this life and thank Him even during the bad things, even when I don't mean it. I will run with perseverance the race set before me.

But oh my goodness, when that day comes, I will not miss this life for a second. I will lay down every second of confusion and frustration and anger and happiness and laughter and music and just I will be done with it. I will not turn my head and look back. (Unless we get to fly through outer space - then I will probably look back just to see the earth with my own eyes. Also, I'd like to see the moon landing up close just to make sure they weren't making that up. Okay I'm joking.)

I used to not get excited about heaven and not think very highly of God as a father. But I asked Him to change my heart and He did. Of course, I have a long way to go. It makes me tired thinking about it. But I have so many things in this life to look forward to, which keeps me going. And it makes me happy to have all of you on this journey with me, believer or not. My favorite thing about life is relationships, and I think God made it that way on purpose, because our relationships are an echo and a shadow, a picture of what He wants with us. I know that I was made for all of you, and you were made for me. And we were all made for Him, and He loves us.

Here's to 35 more years (and more) and love and friendship, and of cherishing each day, and of counting the days until I go home.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks to the blog over at SixSteps for the copy of the text. The italics are mine.

It's like I can't help myself

And so begins my next schooling adventure, this time in seminary. I'm now in VLI (Vineyard Leadership Institute), which will not leave me ordained but WILL leave me with an exhaustive inward and outward understanding of scripture and leadership. BLURG. 

I'm actually really excited about this, because of my self-proclaimed dummyhood when it comes to knowing the Bible. I've been in church all my life, but I feel I'm fairly lacking when in comes to an in-depth knowledge of the Word. Many "christians" claim to know the Scriptures, yet sadly few actually KNOW it. Also, many who oppose the faith claim to know it more than Christians do, yet their knowledge has always, in my experience, been very shallow and one-sided. It's actually the same on both sides of the coin. Many claim knowledge, yet their knowledge is skewed toward their own view or what they want the scripture to say. I'm happy that in my first day of class, the lecture was on getting rid of your own bias when interpreting scripture, a practice that will take me a long time.

I'm ready for the challenge...

...I hope.

a most memorable evening

There are some nights when you are with your friends, speaking about the things of God, and you feel loved and warm and that God is in the midst of you. It's not just a good feeling. It's memorable. About five years ago I had such a night with my friends Jeff and Elsie, where we talked and talked and I cried and we laughed and it was good. Tonight was another such night. After a wonderful leadership meeting at church, Jeff, Mike, Meghan, and I sat and talked and laughed and shared. And it was good. And it was such that you never wanted it to end.

Jeff quoted St. Augustine: "the quality of friendship was so good that if it were one step better, we would be in heaven.

And then he read from Augustine's book, Confessions:

"And when our discourse was brought to that point, that the very highest delight of the the earthly senses, in the very purest material light, was, in respect of the sweetness of that life, not only worthy of comparison, but not even of mention; we raising up ourselves witha more glowing affection towards the "self-same," did by degrees pass through all things bodily, even the very heaven, whence sun and moon, and stars shine upon the earth; yea, we were soaring higher yet, by inward musing, and discourse, and admiring of Thy works; and we came to our own minds and went beyond them (what we cannot conceive, as it is, we know not (as we ought) but whatever occurs to our conceptions, we cast aside, reject, disown, we know it is not this we seek, though of what nature that is, we know not)."

 I confess I am severely lacking in the area of conversation, so when these rare times happen, I cherish them to no end, and I hide them away so as to never forget, and to be able to look toward the coming of the Kingdom as an eternity of these feelings, and of love and acceptance, and peace.

"...in that day when we were speaking of these things, and this world with all its delights became, as we spake, contemptible to us." 

The photo

I just wanted to post this. This is currently my wallpaper on my laptop, and it is maybe the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The photo was taken in Feb 2011 in Egypt, and shows part of a wall of Christians, joining hands to protect a group of Muslims as they pray. This was during the riots after the Alexandria bombing in January of that year. Apparently the Muslims also stood in protection of the Coptic Christians as they prayed.

This is Jesus. This is love. This is beautiful.

You can read the story here.

On fathers and forgetting what day it is

I almost forgot. Usually I remember that it's coming. Usually I'm prepared for it. I didn't this year. My mom had to remind me when I was on the phone. I remembered last week, but I didn't think about it today. Today I led worship and went to lunch and watched the Falcons lose and texted my girlfriend and generally had a good day. I've gone into a funk in the last hour and almost forgot again. Now I'm pretty sure this might be why. Also, I've been ignoring God this week kinda, so that would have something to do with it. Actually, that might have helped me with this. 

I've been reading a lot of Donald Miller lately. Vic gave me a copy of his book To Own a Dragon, the original version, not rewritten, and I also just reread Blue like Jazz. Don, like me, had a lot of father issues. Actually, in reading his books, his life and mine are eerily similar. Very eerily similar. And he shares my sentiment. It is strange that God chooses to be known as a father, when our earthly examples of fathers are f**ked up. Mine was. So was Don's.

I remember sitting back in high school and thinking about my friends. All of my friends, except one, came from two parent families. Like, both original parents. All my friends at school, all of them at church. In college, I began to find more friends that came from broken homes like me. I always wondered if I hung around those friends subconsciously.

I'm listening to a 90's playlist on Spotify while I'm typing this. It's helping.

My first memory of my dad is burning our house down. It was post divorce, and he had come over to light the pilot light for our gas heater, but since our house was filled with gas because of inept installation, it blew instead. I think he flew across the kitchen and landed in the sink, but mom says that didn't happen. And come to think of it, that doesn't seem realistic. 

Dad lived around Athens for a while. I have spotty memories of him. I remember telling him outside his car one time that my grades were good. I was in kindergarten. I remember going to his house usually every other weekend. Mom says I usually would call after one day wanting to come home, and dad never cared. I don't remember that. I remember always wanting to go there, usually when I was in trouble or fighting with my mom. I believe her on this one. Knowing what I know now. 

I remember getting skates from him on one birthday. I remember a birthday cake another year that made me sick and I ended up vomiting at 3am. I remember him being hard. I remember that when I visited him, I usually hung out in a hotel room at his work while he worked all day. For years. I remember that I only got to see cable when I was at his place, because we didn't have it back home. I remember that I could almost always see naked women when I was at his place, either from his stash or from cable, or on his playing cards. I started smoking when he was living in Alabama. We were out on a sailboat in Huntsville and he made me go down below and light a cigarette for him because it was too windy. And then I snuck a pack from him and smoked them. Actually, I lit them and made them puff and I would blow smoke out, but I would never inhale. I even tried to teach myself to inhale in college, but I never could. Different story.

When he lived with his fourth wife in Warner Robins, he had a pool table. I got pretty good. It was in that house that I officially lost my ability to watch scary movies. His stepkids were watching Hellraiser and it freaked me out and then I couldn't go upstairs because it was dark and I freaked out even more. 

After I graduated high school, me and my then-fiance went to Virginia for the summer to work at his restaurant. That summer was weird. All his employees expected me to be this spoiled asshole because of him, so they were surprised that they liked me and it surprised them that, when he was being a douche to them, which he always was, I took their side instead of his. Actually, one night he and I got into this yelling match because of this, and I was screaming crying in his office, and he told me he loved me. I shit you not, that's the first time I ever remember hearing that from him. Also, that was the first time I remember him actually wanting me around. Reason: he found out I was good at darts and so he and I playing other guys in the bar and won. That was fun.

I didn't see him for five years when I went to college. Summer after my fifth year, I got off the Greyhound bus in Bayse, VA and he said "Damn. You're big." Go figure.

His restaurant had bankrupted and he was living with some woman. She was probably 20 years older than him but she had money and he "loved her." He gave me his car when I was there. That was cool. He had bought that 1991 Thunderbird when it was new, and I loved that car. I drove it to death. Literally. 

Dad always gave me money and stuff and so I came to expect that. When I was young, when I would visit him, he would either be managing a restaurant at a hotel, or he owned his own bar and restaurant in Athens or Virginia, so I always got unlimited food and tv and I don't think I really cared that he wasn't spending time with me. It was heaven for me. One time I conveniently forgot my shoes when I went to see him, so he took me to get some and bought me some Nikes. If you want to know which ones, go find the episode of Friends where they are looking for Monica's christmas presents in the apartment, and Chandler finds the shoe with the note attached. It's that one. I swear.

When he was going bankrupt, I got a letter from him. It was near Christmas. He sent it to my mom's house, and I just happened to be there and got it and it was awful. He was so sad and depressed. It was all incomplete sentences and lots of ellipses. Funny thing about that. When I spent that five years not seeing him in college, I always felt bad for him. I thought he was alone and sad, and usually after I got off the phone with him I would cry. I don't know why. He always talked about his bar and restaurant and people he knew and whatever, and when I was there, he hung out with people. I just thought that. Or maybe I just wanted him to be interested in my life and he wasn't. I would say about 95% of the communication we had in my life, prior to him getting sick, was done by me. If he ever called me, I would usually be dumbfounded. 

After I got his letter, I emailed him back, and I told him I loved him and I told him the Lord could help him and basically tried to get him to love Jesus, but I don't think it stuck. I've said before that I asked him if he prayed in the last days of his life, and he says he did. I don't know. I was very self-absorbed in those days, even in trying to be selfless for him, I was still doing it for myself. I think I wanted to come out on top. I think I was trying to show him by my kindness and love how little kindness and love he had. I know I wanted him to know God before he died. 

I found out more about him after he died than I had ever known of him before. I had never seen a picture of him younger than...33. Seriously. No childhood photos, no college or 20's pictures. Now that I know my brothers and sisters from his first marriage, as well as his first wife, I know a lot about him. I know what he was like back then. I know what happened to their family. I know what he was like. It's surprising. It seems that, at one time, he was cheerful and hopeful and enjoyable. He did theater. He failed 6th grade. He went to Virginia Tech. He and I actually worked for the same company, probably 30 years apart. 

I've written some other blog posts about him here over the years (four links there). 

So, anyway. I wasn't even expecting all this. It just kinda...vomited out. Sorry it was so long. 

Happy 68th birthday, dad. 

Fuck you.

I love you.

Post Script: If I could talk to him now, I would say this: "Your life wasn't as hopeless as you led it to be. You could have had happiness if you weren't so greedy. People were drawn to you because of your personality and you crapped all over them. But God loved you just like he loves me and everybody else, and I hope you knew that. I wish we had had a relationship. You messed me up. I miss the idea of you." 

Okay that's it.

Getting there

 It's coming along...

Update: My Gmail inbox went from 340 emails to 15. That's right.

pipes and starbucks and the coming of the internalization of pat

Beardyface and I are sitting outside on this gorgeous night, smoking pipes and being generally awesome. I know you agree. He's reading An Introduction to Theories of Learning, and I'm doing this.

So, I didn't notice until I started writing this, but I really do look like my dad in this picture. He was much more tan than I, but other than that. Also, the way my glasses are down a little bit looks like his reading glasses, so...there's that.

So I come to this Starbucks all the time. I used to study here two or three nights a week while I was in radiography school. There are these two people that are ALWAYS. HERE. One is a middle aged black gentleman who kinda looks like Kenan Thompson doing Herman Cain, only completely bald, and a thicker mustache. He comes here to watch videos on his laptop and read the newspaper. I cannot think of a single night that I've been here that this guy has not been here. The other is this early-60's white lady that, quite frankly, looks like Mortianna from Prince of Thieves, only just chilling with coffee and newspapers and this white plastic bad she always carries around, not all freaking out about a painted man that haunts her dreams. (Love that movie. LOVE Alan Rickman.)

These two skeevers, as I've unfairly labeled them in the past, cause me to think. I mean, honestly, I come here all the time, too. I used to come here all the time to study. Now, not so much. I mean, I come for the free wi-fi, and the awesome chai, and the feeling like I'm not alone, but I guess because I know my reasons, then I know I'm not a skeever. And they aren't skeevers either. The baristas speak very highly of both of them, and I'm sure they are charming people, but I never do what Rick Springfield tells me not to do.

Being that I'm getting older, and also being in love (oh YEAH, I should post about that sometime!) has caused (have caused? had causeded? has causededed?) me to being being more introspective, which I have wanted to happen to me for a long time. See, my brain, for all of my life, has been a jumbled mush of useless trivia (awesome), movie and tv references (awesome), random images from my past (uh...okay), all the arguments I've ever been in (except in my head I win them), girls, comic books, the internet, money, and sometimes Jesus. This has frustrated me to no end, and has complicated my spiritual life and thought life dramatically. I want so badly to delve into the spiritual mysteries, to be able to sit down with a book that doesn't sword fights or car chases or boobs, or a text book for that matter, or to sit with a friend and talk about real life and not drift off into la-la land. I've long thought I have A.D.D. (still haven't talked to my doc about that yet), but I know that when I've done well with my eating habits and my running, that I feel a lot better and have more energy, so I'm not going to buy into the myth until I've gone hardbody and still can't concentrate.

But. I have started internalizing a little more. Started digging into the whys and hows of my life, growing a little bit. Becoming a little less angry. Not reacting to things the way old Pat would have. I even got a planner. I dunno. I guess that's growing up. Growing up is not as whack as I once believed. I'm just going to start working on clearing out all the garbage a little bit (not so much of that stuff 'in' anymore), and quieting myself a little more, and we'll see what happens.

True life. Word is bond.

Sup.

Tom Conlon

Tonight we had a wonderful singer/songwriter named Tom Conlon come to the church and do a little concert. You've never heard of Tom Conlon, and I really only knew him because Jeff, my best bud and pastor, has been a huge fan and friend of his for years. Tom, now also my friend, dresses in all black and brings his motorcycle with him on tour and plays GORGEOUS music, guitars tuned in open D, creates ambiance with candles and voice, and exudes cool. And he's the most unassuming, sweetest guy you could ever meet. Jeff calls him "one of the last troubadours," and he really is, because troubadours are rare nowadays. I wish I could snap my fingers and make him famous, because I think he deserves it. He writes deeply introspective lyrics about life and love and Americana and Jesus, and his sounds just rises up out of his feet and blows you away.

Cheers.

Just kidding.

Also, I have a mustache now.

 ...ish.

That was maybe a week ago. It's a hair (haha..."hair") darker and thicker now, but the unfair thing is that half of the hairs are blonde, and the other 2000 don't exist. So...

 Thanks a crapload, DAD.

Also, I chose this picture because, of the three that I have, this one shows the least of the giant nose-tip pimple I'm forming. I may, or may not, have bought some concealer to wear. Keep checking Snopes for verification.

UPDATE: Due to a slightly painful, totally hilarious conversation going on on my facebook status right now, I must explain my reasons for what Jo lovingly calls my "creepy guy pervy" mustache. I love her immensely, but she just moved from a 12 to an 11.
1. I have always wanted facial hair, probably because my dad had a thick mustache all of my childhood. My dad wasn't even one of my top 20 favorite people of the last 34 years, but still, a boy and his father.
2. There is an unfair aura around "mustache-only" looks. It's become associated with pornography (NOT cool), child molesters (497% less cool than pornography), and white trash gentlemen (a la Joe Dirt - pretty funny, but still less than cool). Although these associations have merit, I think it is unfair to label me into one of those categories.
3. I really just want to see what it will do. I think it would be kinda cool if it would fill out and if it did I wonder if I would look more like my dad. I looked exclusively like my mom until about halfway through college, and then I started noticing some of my dad's features. Big ears, etc. I've blogged about this before.

Anyway, so, I'm aware of the connotations. Up to now, I have not gotten any looks from mothers passing by, and even the people who don't like it generally chuckle. My bros are encouraging it (they want me to join their ranks desperately), and my brother John makes the best and most insulting jokes about it, as only he can.

I'm okay with it. It will go away eventually. I'm not blind.

Hi.

It's 2013. I'm happy. See you next year.

attention deficit hyperactOH LOOK A PONY

the funny thing about the title is that i typed it in and then left it for a week and a half.


ANYway.


my entire life i thought i was a.d.d. when i got older i learned about a.d.h.d, and i thought i was that, too. i really did. also, i really knew, deep down, that it was just an excuse and that i really wasn't. see, i wanted something to be wrong with me, but i didn't really think there WAS anything wrong with me. except laziness. i am eat up with lazy. (say that last sentence with a country accecnt, and prounounce eat "et")


i almost got tested for a.d.d. in college. i was thisclose. and then i didn't. probably because it would cost money. when i went back to school two and a half years ago, i started out like a cannon blast. studying every night, doing homework, never leaving my house, making awesome grades. i made the dean's list. that's right. the dean's list. dean's list of nerds. this guy. 


reason: i was a problem child. wild. hyper. husky. bully. cusser. rebellious (to a degree). honestly, i didn't mature until, well, after college. i kinda matured in college, but only in that i got old and sullen and bitter. and there hasn't been much in the way of maturity in the last six years. right kristen?


well, since those first two semesters a few years ago, my concentration has waned, my determination has faltered, my focus has blurred. especially since last summer. last summer was hell-atious. a 5-week summer quarter that basically jammed four classes into two, and in half the time normally allotted. i studied so much, i think i fried myself. since then, studying has been, well, sort of a joke. not that the studying that i did last summer was awesome. i just did a ton of it. 


and part of the problem, i know, has been this program. my teachers' idea of teaching is to tell us what to read in the book. anytime you ask them to explain or expound, more often than not you end up more confused than when you started. my other problem is my classmates. see, i have found one way of studying that works for me. study with a partner and explain things out loud to them, almost as if i'm teaching them. that's the one tried and true method that works for me. unfortunately, i'm in class with 11 of the most self-absorbed, study-by-themselves people you've ever met. or else they are really annoying and i can't study with them. truth.


so, lately i've been seeing this therapist, and she (of course) is telling me to take ADD meds and anti-depressants. yay drugs! only, i don't want to take drugs because they skeeve me out and i don't want to end up like my uncle paul. so i finally talked to my doctor about it. he told me what he should have told me, which is that meds are only a band-aid, and i need to start taking care of myself and that would work better (stop being the most stressed out, busy person ever, exercise, eat right, etc, etc...). BUT. he gave me this thing to read about a.d.h.d. he said, "just read this and if we need to talk about it some more, let me know." i was like, "okay." didn't plan on reading it. 


but then i did.

The following behaviors and problems may stem directly from ADHD or may be the result of related adjustment difficulties:

•  Chronic lateness and forgetfulness. (check)
•  Anxiety. (check)
•  Low self-esteem. (double check)
•  Employment problems. (nah)
•  Difficulty controlling anger. (super check)
• Impulsiveness. (checks)
• Substance abuse or addiction. (check)
• Poor organization skills. (very check)
• Procrastination. (hahahahahaCHECK)
• Low frustration tolerance. (ohboycheck)
• Chronic boredom. (WOWcheck)
• Difficulty concentrating when reading. (any other word besides check that i can use?)
• Mood swings. (yuuuuuuuuuup)
• Depression. (sadcheck)
• Relationship problems. (highfivecheck)

 "There are 3 main symptoms: distractibility, impulsiveness, and hyperactivity." (gulp) 

• Is distracted by what is going on around him. (huh?)
• Starts but doesn't finish things. (yeah that's m...)
• Acts or reacts quickly without thinking of the outcome. (hoo boy)
• Talks when other people are talking. (i don't do that)
• Is quick to anger. (fuuuuuuuuuu...)
• Fidgets and cannot sit still. (********** - that's me drumming on the desk)
• Gets bored very quickly. (i've started and stopped this post 11 times already)

Probably also: 

• Learning disorders. (uh...)
• Bipolarity (i've always wondered)
• Personality disorders (don't get me started)
• Impulse control disorders (overeating AND spending money. a too-fer.)
• Explosive anger (you won't like me when I'm angry)

and see, when i was little, i was super smart. in kindergarten, my teacher met with my mom after one month and told her that i could be moved up to first grade and be caught up by christmas, but i was such a discipline problem that it wouldn't work. i'm sure my mom was like, "couldn't you have told me this over the phone?" among other things.


i was always at the head of my class, and in 2nd grade i was even in the gifted program, but got kicked out for being to hyper. around 7th grade i started having to study, and that's when my grades started falling. i've been an average student ever since. i make high c's and low b's without even really studying. imagine.


so, now, i'm sure i have a.d.h.d. 


to drug or not to drug. that is the question. 


discuss.

more bernhoft...

a little music to make your week...

Also, check out Cmon Talk and Stay With Me. This guys is amazeballs.

chillin' in the cut

At my favorite haunt, the Starbucks at Washington Rd. and I-20. They've been playing some good music tonight.

LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Imagine me saying this with my mouth full of food, tears streaming down my face, mascara running...well not the mascara, but everything else. That's what my life is lately.

Like this blog, I've become a (very) vast wasteland. Rotting carcass, tumbleweed, yadda yadda yadda. This is the result of two years of being in school full-time, working at Holiday Inn part-time, and working for my church part-time. I'm a billion pounds overweight (an exaggeration, but only by a few pounds), I'm stressed out, I'm broke, I'm angry a lot, going to therapy and relying on my friends to keep me from dropping into full-blown depression. WOOOOOOOOO!!

It's not as bad as I make it out to be, actually. Especially not tonight, because I don't feel that bad right now. But I'm easily set off. Like I said in my last post (dated almost a year ago), I am an angry young man. Only, I'm not so young. And I don't feel like a man a lot of the time. Not that I'm NOT a man.

I'm just waiting for my real life to begin, I guess. (GREAT song) (Actually, it makes me want to stop writing this and go watch Scrubs. Maybe later.) But seriously, I finish school at the end of April, and nothing else in my life has gone on hold for me, so everything is still the same, with school on top of it. Yayyyyy. (Scrubs quote - JD: yayyyyyy, youhurtmyfeelings.)

What's going to be funny is when I finish, get a good job, make all the changes in my life, etc, etc, and I still don't feel any different. It's like I keep looking for some cure-all for whatever is wrong with me. (Some dude just called me at work and yelled at me because of something I can't do anything about. I wanted to tell him I didn't give two rats' B-holes about it, but A) I'm not allowed to do that and 2) he hung up. (Is it rat's? Rats'? Rat's'? I think I'm right but anyway...)

Sidebar: I'm awesome at customer service. A guy checked in awhile ago, all gruff and surly, biker dude, and was irritated because he didn't get a fridge in his room. All of ours were checked out, so I borrowed one for him from the Sheraton next door and put it in his room while he was out to dinner. Now he is happy and he got my name so he could fill out a comment thing for me at our parent company. Who rocks? It is me. I am the one who...that...is...rocks.

What was I talking about?

Here's my schedge (that's my shortening of schedule, and I added the "ge" so you'd know to pronounce it. You're welcome.) for the next few months:
Friday: camping. w00t.
March 12: Start my last clinical rotation at DD-MAC on Fort Gordon
April 3: I become an even older bastard
April 30: Graduation
May: Take the registry sometime, find a job, start my secondary life
June 6: Worship conference in Marietta
June 10: Cincinnati for 10 days, to a quiet cabin in the woods. Do not call me.
June 21: K-flix is running an Ironman in Couer d'Alene, ID, so I'm going to go up there and scare myself into not training for the half-marathon. Also, I'll get to see Bree! And maybe my brother Jeff and my sister Chris!
Nov 22: Thanksgiving Day Half-marathon. I will die here and donate my body to the Vineyard Church for parties and warnings of what not to do and practical jokes and stuff. Should be fun.

Okay well. Bye.

An angry young man

I am angry. 


Not like, "man I'm pissed right now," but angry as a state of being. All of the symptoms are there: anger...


So anyway.


Just kidding. Anger comes with a host of side effects. Frustration, impatience, jealousy, envy, paranoia. Fear. It's all there. All the time. Just bubbling. Festering. I've always had a short fuse, thanks to my dad and, well, me. My mom said that my temper was so bad when I was a kid that she was afraid I was going to end up in jail. I kind of relaxed as I grew, but it was always still there. Like the time in high school when I shoved my friend Trae. Trae was 6'6", 350 lbs. And I just pushed him as hard as I could. Not that it really helped. And luckily he was really cool and didn't kill me, because he really could have. Like, grabbed my head and crushed it. And I know I have a big head, but he has really big hands. He went on to play football for Mississippi State, and now he's a dentist. Random, I know. But his dad is a dentist, too. What was I talking about?


Oh yeah.


I think it if it was JUST anger, I could deal with it easily. Maybe. But add in the paranoia, the frustration, the fear, and it just becomes overwhelming. I wrote a while back how enraged I get over injustice, but I get enraged over all kinds of things. The worst is when I'm thinking about things that happened a long time ago that don't matter anymore and that involve people who aren't even a part of my life anymore, and the memory of these events gets my blood boiling. I feel like most people would pass these memories over, but for me they are stabbed into my mind with a knife and are not going anywhere.


Case in point: I got an email today. The email made me angry, paranoid, and frustrated. In one sentence. ONE. SENTENCE. And the freaking email was about church stuff. And the sender was one of my best friends. Nothing is sacred. There is no relief, no escape from this monster. Nothing in this life.


I desire peace. Not in this world, because there will never be peace in this world. Ever. But I desire internal peace. The peace that only the Spirit of God can bring.

I always want to blog. Seriously. I think about it almost every day. But by the time I have time to sit down at my once-amazing computer and type something, the desire is gone, overcome by tiredness, stress, lonliness, or the incredible task of catching my blog up with my life.

So screw it. I'm just going to put my iTunes on shuffle. You're welcome.

Compared to What  – John Legend and the Roots (I just got this album on Amazon's awesome $5 albums email. I love Legend and everybody knows the Roots are amazing (just watch Jimmy Kimmel), and these two work together SO well.)

The Grand Ol’ Waltz – Pigeon John (My favorite rapper on the planet. I actually don't know this song. I mean I've heard it, but I can't go word-for-word like a lot of his other ones. Still awesome, though.)

If I Could – Seal (You would think this would be a low-point on the list, but it's not. I love Seal. Kiss From A Rose is one of the best songs of all times. On one of the best soundtracks ever, especially considering the movie.)

(RABBIT TRAIL - Is there a better soundtrack than Batman Forever? Consider the artists: U2, Seal, Method Man, The Offspring, PJ Harvey, Mazzy Star, Sunny Day Real Estate, The Flaming Lips, Nick Cave, MASSIVE ATTACK. I know, right? Probably my favorite U2 song ever, which is saying something. One of the best Massive Attack songs ever, PJ Harvey in her heyday, Method man is always good...you get the point.)

Run – Project 86 (I saw Star Wars Episode 1 with these guys. And Blindside. Name drop!)

Exaltation – Matisyahu (I still haven't heard Matis' most recent album. Light, or something like that.)

All In the Suit You Wear – Stone Temple Pilots (This song is really good and I'd never heard it. It's on their greatest hits album from several years ago, newly written for that.)

Back on Plastic – Awex (Pretty decent song from Trance Dance '96. My graduation year. I know.)

Pretty Nights – Blindside (I saw Star Wars Epis...oh right. Sorry.)

December – Weezer (Back when they were decent, but after they were awesome.)

Don’t Ask Me Why – Eurythmics (An example of a song I've had on my computer for years and probably have never listened to. However, the Eurythmics are one of my more favoriter bands from the 80's. Yes I remember the 80's. Vividly.)

Moon River – Havalina Rail Co (Despite how much I like Havalina, I'm surpised by how many songs of theirs I hear that I don't care for. This one is in the middle.)
(Another rabbit trail: I met Pigeon John while watching Havalina Rail Co (he was friends with the bass player, Orlando), and we ended up leaving together to go watch Switchfoot when they were playing the intermission for Five Iron at Cornerstone '99. I introduced myself by telling him I knew Jo. :) Haha.)

The Second Time Around – Frank Sinatra (I mean, YEAH.)

In the Fold – The Embers/Hannah Daugherty (Great worship band from Campbellsville, KY, and friends of mine. Great songwriters, and Hannah's voice kinda makes me swoon. Not in the creepy way.)

The River Runs Low – Bruce Hornsby and the Range (Most people only know these guys from that song that Tupac rewrote and sold a billion copies of, but he was a solid songwriter and they were a great band.)

It’s Going Down – The Cross Movement (A Christian rap group with a larger vocabulary than me. Or you. Or anybody you know.)

Tangled – Maroon 5 (As much as I hate the memories attached to this album, these guys just write some sexy, sexy songs.)

Fallible – Blues Traveler (Without a doubt, my favorite song on this list. I am an unabashed fan, long before anyone ever heard Four and long after everyone quit listening. Not trying to be a music snob. I just love this band.)

For You – Michael W. Smith (You'd think I'd be embarrassed about this song being on here. You'd be right.)

It Takes Two – Soundtrack to Into the Woods (First thing I ever auditioned for that I was turned down for. Oh yeah.)

Momma Cried – Alison Krauss (Despite this album not being a Union Station album, they are all over it. Good thing. I'm still mad at her for making that stupid album with Robert Plant.)

Shine With Me – P.O.D. (I'm just truly, truly sorry. I should have deleted this crap off my computer.)

Cheerleaders – Pigeon John (Old PJ song, maybe one of my top 5 of all time.)

Restaurants – Mitch Hedberg (Mitch was just on another level. This was from a posthumous album, recorded when he was in the clubs trying to work out his new material. It was raw and unpolished and you got to see a side of stand-up comedy that most people never see. I like to think if I had grown up with motivation that I could have done something like that. I've always loved stand-up so much, and wished I could have done it.)

Faith on the Table – Martin Sexton (My friend Cookie (not a stripper) introduced me to him. I thought I had never heard him before until she took me to a concert and he performed a song of his that they used on Scrubs (the really fast-talking song they used in the "dance" section of their montage episode. Yep.) (Here it is.  A couple of things. 1) I hate flashback episodes. They are lazy. However, this is one of the best uses of the flashback ever. I laugh every time I watch it. 2) This song mentions Waynesboro, a small little town about 15 miles south of where I'm sitting right now.)

I’m Gonna Find Another You – John Mayer (I've been listening to him a lot lately. There's not a bigger idiot in the entertainment industry anywhere, except maybe Kanye. But there's also probably not anyone more talented on the guitar. Also like Kanye. You know, making the raps. They should form a supergroup. The Talented Douches. "It's douchey-good times!")

An excerpt...

Russians - A people with such "thirsty" souls


For me, to preach the gospel to the Russians is heaven on earth. I have preached the gospel to men of many nations, but I have never seen a people drink in the gospel like the Russians. They have such thirsty souls.


An Orthodox priest, a friend of mine, telephoned me and told me that a Russian officer had come to him to confess. My friend did not know Russian. However, knowing that I speak Russian, he had given him my address. The next day this man came to see me. He longed for God, but he had never seen a Bible. He had no religious education and never attended religious services (churches in Russia then were very scarce). He loved God without the slightest knowledge of Him.


I read to him the Sermon on the Mount and the parables of Jesus. After hearing them, he danced around the room in rapturous joy proclaiming, "What a wonderful beauty! How could I live without knowing this Christ!" It was the first time that I saw someone so joyful in Christ.


Then I made a mistake. I read to him the passion and crucifixion of Christ, without having prepared him for this. He had not expected it and, when he heard how Christ was beaten, how He was crucified and that in the end He died, he fell into an armchair and began to weep bitterly. He had believed in a Savior and now his Savior was dead.


I looked at him and was ashamed. I had called myself a Christian, a pastor, and a teacher of others, but I had never shared the sufferings of Christ as this Russian officer now shared them. Looking at him, it was like seeing Mary Magdalene weeping at the foot of the cross, faithfully weeping when Jesus was a corpse in the tomb.


Then I read to him the story of the resurrection and watched his expression change. He had not known that his Savior arose from the tomb. When he heard this wonderful news, he beat his knees and swore - using very dirty, but very "holy" profanity. This was his crude manner of speech. Again he rejoiced, shouting for joy, "He is alive! He is alive!" He danced around the room once more, overwhelmed with happiness.


I said to him, "Let us pray!" He did not know how to pray. He did not know our "holy" phrases. He fell on his knees together with me and his words of prayer were: "Oh God, what a fine chap you are! If I were You and You were me, I would never have forgiven You of Your sins. But You are really a very nice chap! I love You with all of my heart!"


I think that all the angels in heaven stopped what they were doing to listen to this sublime prayer...


- from Tortured for Christ, by Richard Wurmbrand