I am angry.
Not like, "man I'm pissed right now," but angry as a state of being. All of the symptoms are there: anger...
Just kidding. Anger comes with a host of side effects. Frustration, impatience, jealousy, envy, paranoia. Fear. It's all there. All the time. Just bubbling. Festering. I've always had a short fuse, thanks to my dad and, well, me. My mom said that my temper was so bad when I was a kid that she was afraid I was going to end up in jail. I kind of relaxed as I grew, but it was always still there. Like the time in high school when I shoved my friend Trae. Trae was 6'6", 350 lbs. And I just pushed him as hard as I could. Not that it really helped. And luckily he was really cool and didn't kill me, because he really could have. Like, grabbed my head and crushed it. And I know I have a big head, but he has really big hands. He went on to play football for Mississippi State, and now he's a dentist. Random, I know. But his dad is a dentist, too. What was I talking about?
I think it if it was JUST anger, I could deal with it easily. Maybe. But add in the paranoia, the frustration, the fear, and it just becomes overwhelming. I wrote a while back how enraged I get over injustice, but I get enraged over all kinds of things. The worst is when I'm thinking about things that happened a long time ago that don't matter anymore and that involve people who aren't even a part of my life anymore, and the memory of these events gets my blood boiling. I feel like most people would pass these memories over, but for me they are stabbed into my mind with a knife and are not going anywhere.
Case in point: I got an email today. The email made me angry, paranoid, and frustrated. In one sentence. ONE. SENTENCE. And the freaking email was about church stuff. And the sender was one of my best friends. Nothing is sacred. There is no relief, no escape from this monster. Nothing in this life.
I desire peace. Not in this world, because there will never be peace in this world. Ever. But I desire internal peace. The peace that only the Spirit of God can bring.