Tuesday, June 19, 2007

that's just the way it is. some things will never change.

bruce hornsby and the range. good stuff.

i honestly am just JONESING for change. i can't handle ruts. my friend angela always tells me that i'm constantly looking for the next big thing: the next car. the next job. the next whatever. and i finally took that to heart after the ten thousandth time she said it and started trying to learn to be content. (did you get all that?)

but seriously, nothing has changed with me lately. i mean, little stuff, but nothing huge, as in job and car. and location. i guess i'm okay with all that. but anytime i start thinking about colorado...or the pacific northwest...or being an actor...i start going crazy for change. i'm about to get hired on at work, and while my raise won't be that big, i'm already thinking about either buying a new car or a house. i can't help it. i need change. i CRAVE change. i'm continually rearranging my furniture (although i can't right now because my apartment is so small-that may be my problem), trying to lose weight, downloading new music (i just downloaded about 50 albums), changing my wallpaper on my computer...

seriously, any little change makes the crazy go away for about an hour, and then it starts all over again. that's why i constantly change the look of my blog. (i'm gonna get Will to fix that red and gray one so that it will be viewable on Firefox.) the only days at work that i really enjoy are the days when i make big changes to my building, or i get some new tools/computer crap, or they days they tell me about my new job.

so, what can i do to have little mini-changes until the next big change comes along? seriously, i think i'm gonna explode.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

and i'm sorry mr. jones, it's time.

"street light shines through the shades, casting lines on the floor and lines on his face. he reflects on the day."

there is a constant necessity now to listen to slow, dark music, and think about what's wrong with my life and wrong with the world. i have this playlist on my computer called "the mooooood," and i listen to it quite often because it makes me feel better. yes, the slow sad music makes me feel better. i'm very odd that way. in college, whenever i would lock myself in my room to read my bible and pray, instead of playing uplifting, spiritual music to match the mood, i would listen to a death metal band called zao. somehow the pounding bass lines and disconcerting screams helped me to digest the beauty and confusion and grace that is God. most people that knew i was doing that said i was an idiot, but i learned a lot in those times.

music influences my life moreso than air, than food (that's a close race), than women, than work, than movies, comic books, than sorrow and anger, more than my family or my friends. i will wake up in the morning with a song in my head, and i will immediately realize that that song was in my dream all. night. long. i can hear any song and tell you where i was the first time i heard it. every album that i have, i know when and for what purpose i bought it. i can tell you my top five favorite bands and/or songs in every genre, including country (blegh). i can also tell you my bottom five favorite bands and why they suck (two of those five are the same band, because they, and by "they," i mean "creed," suck). i turn the Awesome on in the morning, and it plays at my desk all day, even if i'm out doing stuff, because it's comforting to hear good music when i walk back in the door. for every relationship or crush in my life, i can tell you what song represents the relationship or the girl in general, and why. i can tell you what songs represent my mom, baseball, fried chicken (not really), anything.

well, all the dark songs are representing my current stage of life. there are a lot of disappointments and a lot of regrets, but there ARE one or two things to look forward to. sadly, i try not to look forward to anything exciting because i can't say i believe 100% that any of it will happen. but i'm okay with that. i'm happy to be 'without,' because i know there will be more for me later. at the very least, God is good to those around me, and i am content...i guess. i'm never lacking of my needs, and that's better than 90% of the entire world. so i really have nothing to complain about. except that i live in a constant fear of "missing out." does that make sense? it does to me.

so, the future is unknown, and that's okay. ish. y.

"fred gets his paints out, goes to the basement, projecting some slides onto a plain white canvas and traces it, fill in the spaces, he turns off the slides and it doesn't look right. yeah and all of these bastards have taken his place. he's forgotten but not yet gone...and i'm sorry mr. jones. it's time."

i've spent too much time
raiding windmills
we'd go side by side
and laugh until it's right

there's something that you won't show
waiting where the light goes

take the darkest hour break it open
water to repair what we have broken

there's something that you won't show
waiting where the light goes
and any way the wind blows
it's all worth waiting for

pull on the borders to lighten the load
tell all the passengers that we're going home

i spend too much time seeking shelter
world without end couldn't hold her

there's something that you won't show
waiting where the light goes
and any way the wind blows
it's all worth waiting for
any way the wind blows
-glen phillips