Thursday, March 29, 2012

attention deficit hyperactOH LOOK A PONY

the funny thing about the title is that i typed it in and then left it for a week and a half.


my entire life i thought i was a.d.d. when i got older i learned about a.d.h.d, and i thought i was that, too. i really did. also, i really knew, deep down, that it was just an excuse and that i really wasn't. see, i wanted something to be wrong with me, but i didn't really think there WAS anything wrong with me. except laziness. i am eat up with lazy. (say that last sentence with a country accecnt, and prounounce eat "et")

i almost got tested for a.d.d. in college. i was thisclose. and then i didn't. probably because it would cost money. when i went back to school two and a half years ago, i started out like a cannon blast. studying every night, doing homework, never leaving my house, making awesome grades. i made the dean's list. that's right. the dean's list. dean's list of nerds. this guy. 

reason: i was a problem child. wild. hyper. husky. bully. cusser. rebellious (to a degree). honestly, i didn't mature until, well, after college. i kinda matured in college, but only in that i got old and sullen and bitter. and there hasn't been much in the way of maturity in the last six years. right kristen?

well, since those first two semesters a few years ago, my concentration has waned, my determination has faltered, my focus has blurred. especially since last summer. last summer was hell-atious. a 5-week summer quarter that basically jammed four classes into two, and in half the time normally allotted. i studied so much, i think i fried myself. since then, studying has been, well, sort of a joke. not that the studying that i did last summer was awesome. i just did a ton of it. 

and part of the problem, i know, has been this program. my teachers' idea of teaching is to tell us what to read in the book. anytime you ask them to explain or expound, more often than not you end up more confused than when you started. my other problem is my classmates. see, i have found one way of studying that works for me. study with a partner and explain things out loud to them, almost as if i'm teaching them. that's the one tried and true method that works for me. unfortunately, i'm in class with 11 of the most self-absorbed, study-by-themselves people you've ever met. or else they are really annoying and i can't study with them. truth.

so, lately i've been seeing this therapist, and she (of course) is telling me to take ADD meds and anti-depressants. yay drugs! only, i don't want to take drugs because they skeeve me out and i don't want to end up like my uncle paul. so i finally talked to my doctor about it. he told me what he should have told me, which is that meds are only a band-aid, and i need to start taking care of myself and that would work better (stop being the most stressed out, busy person ever, exercise, eat right, etc, etc...). BUT. he gave me this thing to read about a.d.h.d. he said, "just read this and if we need to talk about it some more, let me know." i was like, "okay." didn't plan on reading it. 

but then i did.

The following behaviors and problems may stem directly from ADHD or may be the result of related adjustment difficulties:
  •  Chronic lateness and forgetfulness. (check)
  •  Anxiety. (check)
  •  Low self-esteem. (double check)
  •  Employment problems. (nah)
  •  Difficulty controlling anger. (super check)
  • Impulsiveness. (checks)
  • Substance abuse or addiction. (check)
  • Poor organization skills. (very check)
  • Procrastination. (hahahahahaCHECK)
  • Low frustration tolerance. (ohboycheck)
  • Chronic boredom. (WOWcheck)
  • Difficulty concentrating when reading. (any other word besides check that i can use?)
  • Mood swings. (yuuuuuuuuuup)
  • Depression. (sadcheck)
  • Relationship problems. (highfivecheck)
 "There are 3 main symptoms: distractibility, impulsiveness, and hyperactivity." (gulp) 

  • Is distracted by what is going on around him. (huh?)
  • Starts but doesn't finish things. (yeah that's m...)
  • Acts or reacts quickly without thinking of the outcome. (hoo boy)
  • Talks when other people are talking. (i don't do that)
  • Is quick to anger. (fuuuuuuuuuu...)
  • Fidgets and cannot sit still. (********** - that's me drumming on the desk)
  • Gets bored very quickly. (i've started and stopped this post 11 times already)
Probably also: 

  • Learning disorders. (uh...)
  • Bipolarity (i've always wondered)
  • Personality disorders (don't get me started)
  • Impulse control disorders (overeating AND spending money. a too-fer.)
  • Explosive anger (you won't like me when I'm angry)

and see, when i was little, i was super smart. in kindergarten, my teacher met with my mom after one month and told her that i could be moved up to first grade and be caught up by christmas, but i was such a discipline problem that it wouldn't work. i'm sure my mom was like, "couldn't you have told me this over the phone?" among other things.

i was always at the head of my class, and in 2nd grade i was even in the gifted program, but got kicked out for being to hyper. around 7th grade i started having to study, and that's when my grades started falling. i've been an average student ever since. i make high c's and low b's without even really studying. imagine.

so, now, i'm sure i have a.d.h.d. 

to drug or not to drug. that is the question. 


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

a little music to make your week...

Also, check out Cmon Talk and Stay With Me. This guys is amazeballs.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

chillin' in the cut

At my favorite haunt, the Starbucks at Washington Rd. and I-20. They've been playing some good music tonight.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Imagine me saying this with my mouth full of food, tears streaming down my face, mascara running...well not the mascara, but everything else. That's what my life is lately.

Like this blog, I've become a (very) vast wasteland. Rotting carcass, tumbleweed, yadda yadda yadda. This is the result of two years of being in school full-time, working at Holiday Inn part-time, and working for my church part-time. I'm a billion pounds overweight (an exaggeration, but only by a few pounds), I'm stressed out, I'm broke, I'm angry a lot, going to therapy and relying on my friends to keep me from dropping into full-blown depression. WOOOOOOOOO!!

It's not as bad as I make it out to be, actually. Especially not tonight, because I don't feel that bad right now. But I'm easily set off. Like I said in my last post (dated almost a year ago), I am an angry young man. Only, I'm not so young. And I don't feel like a man a lot of the time. Not that I'm NOT a man.

I'm just waiting for my real life to begin, I guess. (GREAT song) (Actually, it makes me want to stop writing this and go watch Scrubs. Maybe later.) But seriously, I finish school at the end of April, and nothing else in my life has gone on hold for me, so everything is still the same, with school on top of it. Yayyyyy. (Scrubs quote - JD: yayyyyyy, youhurtmyfeelings.)

What's going to be funny is when I finish, get a good job, make all the changes in my life, etc, etc, and I still don't feel any different. It's like I keep looking for some cure-all for whatever is wrong with me. (Some dude just called me at work and yelled at me because of something I can't do anything about. I wanted to tell him I didn't give two rats' B-holes about it, but A) I'm not allowed to do that and 2) he hung up. (Is it rat's? Rats'? Rat's'? I think I'm right but anyway...)

Sidebar: I'm awesome at customer service. A guy checked in awhile ago, all gruff and surly, biker dude, and was irritated because he didn't get a fridge in his room. All of ours were checked out, so I borrowed one for him from the Sheraton next door and put it in his room while he was out to dinner. Now he is happy and he got my name so he could fill out a comment thing for me at our parent company. Who rocks? It is me. I am the one

What was I talking about?

Here's my schedge (that's my shortening of schedule, and I added the "ge" so you'd know to pronounce it. You're welcome.) for the next few months:
Friday: camping. w00t.
March 12: Start my last clinical rotation at DD-MAC on Fort Gordon
April 3: I become an even older bastard
April 30: Graduation
May: Take the registry sometime, find a job, start my secondary life
June 6: Worship conference in Marietta
June 10: Cincinnati for 10 days, to a quiet cabin in the woods. Do not call me.
June 21: K-flix is running an Ironman in Couer d'Alene, ID, so I'm going to go up there and scare myself into not training for the half-marathon. Also, I'll get to see Bree! And maybe my brother Jeff and my sister Chris!
Nov 22: Thanksgiving Day Half-marathon. I will die here and donate my body to the Vineyard Church for parties and warnings of what not to do and practical jokes and stuff. Should be fun.

Okay well. Bye.