Friday, October 9, 2009

despite trent reznor's best effort...

every day is NOT exactly the same.

actually it's more like a roller coaster. one day you're up, the next day you're down. i was telling both kristen and angela yesterday that i'm just questioning everything i'm doing. can't see the point, making a huge mistake, yadda yadda yadda.

it's actually a very daunting thing, moving to chicago. it's not far away now, and it is an ever-present butterfly, flapping its wings somewhere around my pyloric antrum. next thursday is the last day of my job. and then i fly to chicago for a week to look for a NEW job (but not before i have to get three crowns in my mouth. sigh.) there are a lot of things that frighten me, but there are just as many that excite me. i've been tossing around the idea of going by a different name there, even. the chance to redefine yourself is the ultimate feng shui, i think.

i got so overwhelmed yesterday, looking for a job, that i almost called it off. and a funny thing happened. see, my biggest fear is that i'm making a huge mistake. time will tell. but in the meantime, i'm trying to trust God. see i know that no matter what i do, God will love me. and He'll take care of me. the rest is just details. but i lose sight of that (quite a bit acutally). so yesterday i get a random email from a dude, which he really didn't need to send, and there in the "signature" of his email was this:

The mind of the man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. - Prov 16:9
it's just the little things that can make a difference. i've probably read that verse before, probably multiple times. but at the right time, a simple thing can become extraordinary. a little nugget at the right time, a nice "hey I've got your back" from God, makes the difference.

more later on studying "trust" and how i can't understand God as a Father.
----------------------------------------------------
You step through me
And the screen door hits the wood
And you're packing all your things
You say you're moving out to there to Hollywood
And I can't do a thing
You say there's nothing for you
In this cardboard town
And every bridge you cross
You're gonna burn it to the ground
You wont listen to a word that I'm telling ya

So who's running through the halls
In the houses of pain
That are staring back at me
Like the ocean from a plane
I swear I've seen your eyes
in the ghost of Philadelphia

I think about you late at night sometimes
When I can't sleep
Cause I can hear the train
It's always there
You just don't know it
Till a quarter to three
You just can't hear it in the day
When everybody's got your number
In a plexiglass town
Where the birds ain't got wings
But no one makes a sound
Cause they all know how to fly
Just I wouldn't buy what they're selling ya

So who's running through the halls
In the houses of pain
That are staring back at me
Like the ocean from a plane
I swear I've seen your eyes
in the ghost of Philadelphia

I run into your old man every once and again
Mostly in the spring
Reminds me of our younger and more genuine days when
You weren't so out of reach
Still for all your running
You just can't change a mile
Of the things you carry around
In the closet of your mind
And the days keep coming man
They never fail ya

You're never gonna run awayFrom what you're hanging round your head



"Philadelphia" by John Mark McMillan

1 comment:

Kristen said...

I'm so excited to see what God has planned for you, Bea. It's going to be a wild ride. :)