seasons

there are four. they change. get it? good.

it's pretty sad when you realize that your life is changing dramatically. well, parts of it are great. it's awesome when you feel like you are REALLY coming into your own. parts of me were already there, but now i feel like i'm really hitting it (twss). but, that also means cutting things and people out, not necessarily because you don't like them, but...you know, seasons and stuff. deep huh?

today i was realized i was not as close with some people as i used to be. and then it dawned on me that i really hadn't been close to them in a long time. i had been hanging on to what used to be a close, awesome friendship, but one that become less so in recent years. things had changed in us, both good and bad, and i had tried to hang on to those olden times where things were always fun and spontaneous. but alas, those times are gone. and it really breaks my heart.

above all, i love these friends with all my heart. i mean honestly, there are few people i would die for in the world, and they are on the list. actually, that's a lie. there are tons of people i would die for. not because i'm a good friend. i just want everyone to like me. but no seriously, they are on the list. even when i didn't like them, i defended them, and wanted to protect them.

i still consider them friends, don't get me wrong. it's just not the same anymore, and it's high time i realized that and moved on. it's time to grow up, as they say. we aren't 21 anymore.

(is it possible that in a year and a half, i'll be thirty? i'm not dreading it or anything, i just don't remember being 8 and saying "man i want to live in a tiny apartment and make $10 an hour in 20 years." i mean, i have low expectations of myself, but geez.)

so lot's of things are changing. i started reading Romans today. i need a good kick in the gut, so there it is. i also just did a massive reorganizing of my guitar notebook. if i'm gonna get serious about playing, i need to start there. and get my guitar fixed. actually, if anybody would like to contribute to the "buy pat a Martin" fund, send payments to, um...well...nevermind.

so, a lot of stuff going on. my dad is ok. he starts chemo in about 2 weeks. thanks for all the prayers and stuff.

pat, bed.

my computer sucks, but here it is

So, lotta BS to catch up on, so I'll do this the awesome way. Wednesday words. Awesome.

(i just now, sitting right here, realized that i was supposed to go downtown tonight to watch rodger and dottie play. i'm an ass.)(ed. - this was supposed to be posted last night, wednesday)

and now, Wednesday Words:

1. paternal: my dad and i have had a weak relationship pretty much my entire life. i see him on average about once a year, and yet i tremble at what he thinks about me personally. i shouldn't be surprised. my entire life, i have been afraid of what people think of me, so why should he be any different. well, i put all of that on the line last night when i told him (via email) that i was going to be coming to chapel hill every weekend while he's in chemo, and that i knew he didn't want me to but it was something i wanted to do for him. his reply? he was grateful.

i know.

2. the office: i just watched seasons one and 2 of the office on dvd (thanks kristen. avlsyfty.) "this morning i found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and jim halpert tried to convince me i had committed murder. i think he may be the real murderer."

3. doberman: my roommate's girlfriend's dogs have been living with us. doberman pinscher and mini pinscher. sigh. SHUT UP RAT! (rat is the mini, destiny (i call her density) is the big one) our place stinks right now, and they won't shut up, but they are cute. COOL. THEY ARE COOL. NOT CUTE. COOL. I DID NOT SAY CUTE. (*drinks beer, hammers*)

4. intellistation: well, so at work, as of monday, i have a desk, a computer (ibm intellistation), and a phone line. and i have "organization automobile" email (OA is the place where i work, in code). i know all this sounds good, but basically i'm just doing the job and not getting paid for it. but it's coming (twss), they don't have the budget for it until january.

5. razr: %#%^*&@$%&&@$%&. whew. so i was so excited about my new black RAZR phone that i dropped it. no big deal right? one drop? well, the outside screen doesn't work anymore, it constantly runs and drains my battery in about 7 hours, and my charger only works about half the time. up yours, motorola!

6. budget: it's coming along well, except that it's kinda not right now because when i went to north carolina, i missed 3 days of work and spent a good deal of money, so i'm kinda iffy right now, but i'll be good in about two days.

7. diabetes: just found out my mom has it. good stuff. really

8. awesome

so, great week all around. it's kinda up and down right now (that's what she said), but i'm making it i guess.
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"today jim halpert told me that there was an abandoned child in the ladies' room. when i went to rescue the child, i saw phyllis on the can. yeikes."

i swear!

i wrote a long post last night to put up, and for some reason Blogger wasn't working. but, fortunately i copied and pasted it into word before it deleted itself, so as soon as i get home today i will try it again.

hope everybody is having a good day.

what elephant?

i got a lot of stuff to say, but i need time to organize it all out, so i'm gonna do it when i get home.

or, you know...tomorrow.

thanks to everybody for all their prayers and support. you guys are awesome.

throatcancersucks

dot com

yeah. thanks.

actual conversation:

me: "...oh yeah, i haven't told you? yeah i just found out my dad has cancer. we're not really sure how serious it is yet..."

dude at work: "oh it's serious. my buddy's dad had cancer, and they gave him six months to a year. but after two months, HE EXPLODED (embellishment)."

chick at work: "oh yeah, my uncle had cancer, and he was given a year, but around five months into it ALL HIS LIMBS FELL OFF (another embellishment)."

me: "well, we are staying positive and praying for the best..."

dude: "man, cancer ain't no joke. i had a buddy who had cancer and HE CAUGHT ON FIRE AND SHOT IN TO SPACE before he even had a chance to settle his will (yet another embellishment)..."

*note - the words in CAPS are not actually what they said. i edited for comedic purposes. please continue laughing.
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at this point in the conversation, i turned around and walked out. i was just trying to tell a friend about my dad, and they kept bringing up how their friends and family had all suffered and died because of cancer. as if i didn't know that cancer is scary. as if i didn't need any encouragement. i almost started crying, and i NEVER cry (another embellishment - actually i cry like a water faucet). it was really annoying. i'm not mad at him or anything, but i did have to walk out.

but on a positive note, it looks like i AM getting promoted and raised, so yee haw! i'll post more as i know more.

i'm outie 5000.

awesome.

i suck at the internet.

heavy heart, heavy body

so, last thursday, i was at work, and i had been there for eleven hours. my dad calls.

"i don't know how to say this so i'm gonna just say it. i found out yesterday that i have cancer. throat and tongue."

...

how do you respond to that?

well, so he doesn't know anything yet. he's going for some tests tomorrow. and he tells me, "i want you to come up here next week so we can go over some stuff." great.

i'm not really upset yet. i mean, i was the first day, but then i figure, there's nothing to be worried about yet. they don't even know how extensive the cancer is. it could be just a little spot that they can remove with surgery. who knows. i'm going up there saturday night (he lives on the coast of north carolina, just in from the OBX). next tuesday i'm taking him to UNC for some tests. i'm not sure how to react to all this. he's trying to be upbeat about it, even though he wants to go over his will with me. i'm just continuing to pray.

i hope he decides to ignore my weight on this trip.