Sunday, October 29, 2006

seasons

there are four. they change. get it? good.

it's pretty sad when you realize that your life is changing dramatically. well, parts of it are great. it's awesome when you feel like you are REALLY coming into your own. parts of me were already there, but now i feel like i'm really hitting it (twss). but, that also means cutting things and people out, not necessarily because you don't like them, but...you know, seasons and stuff. deep huh?

today i was realized i was not as close with some people as i used to be. and then it dawned on me that i really hadn't been close to them in a long time. i had been hanging on to what used to be a close, awesome friendship, but one that become less so in recent years. things had changed in us, both good and bad, and i had tried to hang on to those olden times where things were always fun and spontaneous. but alas, those times are gone. and it really breaks my heart.

above all, i love these friends with all my heart. i mean honestly, there are few people i would die for in the world, and they are on the list. actually, that's a lie. there are tons of people i would die for. not because i'm a good friend. i just want everyone to like me. but no seriously, they are on the list. even when i didn't like them, i defended them, and wanted to protect them.

i still consider them friends, don't get me wrong. it's just not the same anymore, and it's high time i realized that and moved on. it's time to grow up, as they say. we aren't 21 anymore.

(is it possible that in a year and a half, i'll be thirty? i'm not dreading it or anything, i just don't remember being 8 and saying "man i want to live in a tiny apartment and make $10 an hour in 20 years." i mean, i have low expectations of myself, but geez.)

so lot's of things are changing. i started reading Romans today. i need a good kick in the gut, so there it is. i also just did a massive reorganizing of my guitar notebook. if i'm gonna get serious about playing, i need to start there. and get my guitar fixed. actually, if anybody would like to contribute to the "buy pat a Martin" fund, send payments to, um...well...nevermind.

so, a lot of stuff going on. my dad is ok. he starts chemo in about 2 weeks. thanks for all the prayers and stuff.

pat, bed.

9 comments:

christie said...

1. ...growing up, yeah...seasons are not easy-but we are better for the changes.
2. Thank you for loving your dad enough to sit with him through the pain and uncertainty.
3. Didn't you have a martin? did you sell it?

Thister said...

To quote one of my favorite lyrics from Something Corporate: "Reasons, like seasons, they constantly change. And the seasons of last year, like reasons, have floated away."
I totally feel you there with the changes, growth, loss, and reflection. This year I, too, have been thinking about how much has changed over the last couple of years and I'm shocked. It is almost hard to comprehend every little change and its impact. Moreover, as I sit in the here and now, I wonder where I am going to be and what I'm going to be doing in the future. I'll admit that it kind of scares me because I don't know, because there aren't many certainties in my life.
What has kept me going, though, is the thought of each day. I find that if I stay in the here and now instead of jumping ahead or looking back, I feel better day by day.

As for your father, I send my condelences and best wishes to you and your family. I meant to say something a while ago when I was reading, but I wasn't sure what to say. Again, I hope for the best for you and your family.

As for the Martin, donations or sell stuff on eBay. Speaking of which, I need to sell some of these books if I want to eat more than ramen for the next couple of weeks. Damn being a broke college student. XD

Anonymous said...

I remember being dreadfully scared to graduate from High School because it meant leaving everyone I knew behind. (I graduated with 53 people, so I knew everyone). It made me really sad and depressed. And now...I know it's only been a little over 6 years...but it doesn't bother me that I don't have the same relationships with those people like I used to. I've kept close to the ones that meant a lot to me and the ones that obviosly weren't that close to...I do play catch up periodically.
I just remember being so sad...and today it just life. I don't talk with people that I was super close with in college because we're going in our own seperate directions, but for the time we were together, it was great. Yes I miss them and love them, but they just wouldn't fit in with my life right now.

There's a purpose for everything. I liked that post! Keep it up!

Thister: great quote by something corporate!

Bree said...

Word, Pat. You said that better than I ever could.

Dottie said...

Pat, you are great and a great friend and I'm glad that we are friends.

Anonymous said...

There is something about coming to a realization that looking backward can be fruitless. It is okay to be heartbroken about past friendships. Your thoughts are so clear and reasonable, I hope that you continue to be forward thinking. I don't even know you but I have a feeling that just as you remember those who have come into your life, they have not forgotten you.

Jo said...

To everything (turn, turn, turn)... there is a season (turn, turn, turn)... wha? Oh sorry. Been listening to oldies lately.
If you wanted to break up with us, Pat, you should have just said so. :) Ha ha ha.
We love you. (Jamie and I = we... not a split personality thing)

pat said...

i was PRETTY sure you meant you and Jamie. i DO have a college degree, however useless it may be! ;)

Rodger said...

Sorry...
:o(