Wednesday, May 31, 2006


i just now made that word up. use it. today.

before i get into it, x-men 3 is fricking awesome, and m:i-3 is still the best movie of the year.
i just realized, with somewhat of a bit of glee, and for some reason a bid of wierdness and melancholy, that i have posts i wrote on here, but i was too afraid to put up for one reason or another. there is a certain danger in letting friends know about your blog, i.e, you can't talk about them. but also, there is the possibility ( it) that they have told other people about it, and now, you can't talk about anybody. so there are things written here in the 'Door that you will probably never see. deep, dark secrets know, being turned on by cake, and how i made out with a cat know, private stuff.

i've been doing a lot of movie lists lately. me and my buddies monty and jason (work friends) have been playing this game lately, like 'name as many sports movies as you can,' or 'all the movies that arnold schwarzenegger has been in' (i actually won that one). and then i read in EMPIRE magazine where they did the 201 best movies of all time (take a guess as to which movie won. 1994. i don't disagree with the selection, either). and bravo had a thing on yesterday about the 100 funniest movies of all time. i honestly think my heart is in film. i don't know. i'm really way too scared to try to go and do it. somebody said last year that about 40,000 people move to hollywood every year with aspirations to be in movies. 40,000. that's a few.

for the life of me, i don't know why i think about movies so much. i spend most of my days daydreaming about my life, as if i could sculpt my own path, and how it would look. some days, i actually AM a filmmaker. some days i'm in law enforcement. some days, i'm right here in augusta, only i'm happy and enjoy my work and have lots of friends to share inside jokes with. friends that take our friendship as seriously as i do. but that's not really news to me, my desire for deep friendships. top 5 movies: high fidelity, top gun, reality bites, with honors, so i married an axe murderer. four of those five have elements that i crave and desire. deep friendships, intense stories, humor, an unending knowledge of music and movies, montages (GOD i wish life had montages!!), COOLishness, etc.

and, then there's the being able to fly jet planes and slap guys on the ass while playing volleyball without a shirt on.

it's not that i hate my life per se, it's just that i want more out of it, and at 28, i'm now too afraid to make the huge changes that i need to make. i'm content in sitting in the back of the bus, when i should either pull the chord and get off (you know, changing busses), or else just throw the driver off and start driving. but the truth is that i'm not content with this. i'm just afraid. and, as i've said before, i'm tired of being unsuccessful.
fred jones, pt. 2
ben folds

Fred sits alone
at his desk in the dark
there's an awkward
young shadow that waits in the hall

he has cleared all his things
and he's put them in boxes
things that remind him
that life has been good

twenty-five years
he's worked at the paper
a man's here
to take him downstairs
and "I'm sorry,
Mr. Jones, it's time"

there was no party
and there were no songs
'cause today's just a day
like the day that he started

and no one is left here
that knows his first name
yeah, and life barrels on
like a runaway train

where the passengers change
they don't change anything
you get off
someone else can get on
and "I'm sorry,
Mr. Jones, it's time"

the streetlight
it shines through the shades
casting lines on the floor
and lines on his face
he reflects on the day

Fred gets his paints out
and goes to the basement
projecting some slides
onto a plain white canvas

and traces it,
fills in the spaces
he turns off the slides
and it doesn't look right

yeah, and all of these bastards
have taken his place
he's forgotten, but not yet gone
and "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones"
and "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones"
and "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones, it's time"


Dottie said...

I know that feeling and I know that it sucks bad. Just like life isn't really bad so you feel rotten for complaining, but it feels pointless. And when it comes down to it, a pointless life can be more miserable than a life where you don't get to eat regular meals or you have to live in a house with none of the luxuries we are accustomed to (heating and air, washing machine, dryer, microwave, dish washer, etc). So all those things and many other nice things in life feel empty when you don't have that sense of purpose.
I don't know what to say to you really. But God does see this need in your life. He will answer you. He does have something for you. I know it all sound so cliche, but in His time something will come along and you will know.

Sara said...

Right on. I get what you are saying abotu wanting more and wanting those deep connections in life. I have come to find that people in our age group are not really interested in deep connections in terms of friendship. They are busy with their careers, families, other stuff. The real problem comes up when you have experienced that deep friendship and then it is taken away. Then, you know what you are missing.

Dude, I am for God having a plan and all, but you seem to being on the verge. Verge on.

Jeremy said...

Dude. You are an amazingly gifted, funny, and interesting person. God is already using you for awesome stuff--the Unpainted Souls CD and the worship team at church, to name two right off the bat. I am 100% positive He is going to do more and more in your life. I know you probably didn't want a pep talk, but there you go.

As far as the deep friendship thing, I am one of the guilty ones who has a hard time maintaining deep friendships because I am one of those make-jokes-and-talk-only-about-myself kind of attention hungry people. Moving all the daggum time doesn't help either.

kristen said...

That whole moving to LA and being the 40,001st person to try to get into the film industry thing would be intimidating... So here is what I like to call my "You Gonna Ease Into It, Yo" plan.

Step 1: Research film industry
(accomplished by watching lots of movies (check!) reading entertainment magazines (check!) and googling phrases like "film industry")
Step 2: Make a small move
(accomplished by moving a short distance - like, say, from Heath street to Ruby drive (check!))
Step 3: Move West...but not all the way
(accomplished by finding cool job in city near LA - like, I dunno, PHOENIX or something)
Step 4: Get starring role as witty sidekick in wildly popular indie film
(accomplished by...well, I guess I haven't really hammered out that part yet, but I've got ideas, man...)

Seriously, though. You've got some major talents there, Shakes, and the desire for something more out of life - I'd say that's a good combination.

PS - Shakes. Hee...