Wednesday, May 31, 2006


i just now made that word up. use it. today.

before i get into it, x-men 3 is fricking awesome, and m:i-3 is still the best movie of the year.
i just realized, with somewhat of a bit of glee, and for some reason a bid of wierdness and melancholy, that i have posts i wrote on here, but i was too afraid to put up for one reason or another. there is a certain danger in letting friends know about your blog, i.e, you can't talk about them. but also, there is the possibility ( it) that they have told other people about it, and now, you can't talk about anybody. so there are things written here in the 'Door that you will probably never see. deep, dark secrets know, being turned on by cake, and how i made out with a cat know, private stuff.

i've been doing a lot of movie lists lately. me and my buddies monty and jason (work friends) have been playing this game lately, like 'name as many sports movies as you can,' or 'all the movies that arnold schwarzenegger has been in' (i actually won that one). and then i read in EMPIRE magazine where they did the 201 best movies of all time (take a guess as to which movie won. 1994. i don't disagree with the selection, either). and bravo had a thing on yesterday about the 100 funniest movies of all time. i honestly think my heart is in film. i don't know. i'm really way too scared to try to go and do it. somebody said last year that about 40,000 people move to hollywood every year with aspirations to be in movies. 40,000. that's a few.

for the life of me, i don't know why i think about movies so much. i spend most of my days daydreaming about my life, as if i could sculpt my own path, and how it would look. some days, i actually AM a filmmaker. some days i'm in law enforcement. some days, i'm right here in augusta, only i'm happy and enjoy my work and have lots of friends to share inside jokes with. friends that take our friendship as seriously as i do. but that's not really news to me, my desire for deep friendships. top 5 movies: high fidelity, top gun, reality bites, with honors, so i married an axe murderer. four of those five have elements that i crave and desire. deep friendships, intense stories, humor, an unending knowledge of music and movies, montages (GOD i wish life had montages!!), COOLishness, etc.

and, then there's the being able to fly jet planes and slap guys on the ass while playing volleyball without a shirt on.

it's not that i hate my life per se, it's just that i want more out of it, and at 28, i'm now too afraid to make the huge changes that i need to make. i'm content in sitting in the back of the bus, when i should either pull the chord and get off (you know, changing busses), or else just throw the driver off and start driving. but the truth is that i'm not content with this. i'm just afraid. and, as i've said before, i'm tired of being unsuccessful.
fred jones, pt. 2
ben folds

Fred sits alone
at his desk in the dark
there's an awkward
young shadow that waits in the hall

he has cleared all his things
and he's put them in boxes
things that remind him
that life has been good

twenty-five years
he's worked at the paper
a man's here
to take him downstairs
and "I'm sorry,
Mr. Jones, it's time"

there was no party
and there were no songs
'cause today's just a day
like the day that he started

and no one is left here
that knows his first name
yeah, and life barrels on
like a runaway train

where the passengers change
they don't change anything
you get off
someone else can get on
and "I'm sorry,
Mr. Jones, it's time"

the streetlight
it shines through the shades
casting lines on the floor
and lines on his face
he reflects on the day

Fred gets his paints out
and goes to the basement
projecting some slides
onto a plain white canvas

and traces it,
fills in the spaces
he turns off the slides
and it doesn't look right

yeah, and all of these bastards
have taken his place
he's forgotten, but not yet gone
and "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones"
and "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones"
and "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones, it's time"

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Hey you guys new stuff is up!

i've been reading natalie dee way too long.

william just showed me two new cool sites that have daily funny crap on them. tomorrow i'm gonna make a list about me of things i like and don't like. it'll be awesome.

( the T and the O in the word "two," you guys)

Friday, May 19, 2006

I think I'm pregnant

i have been craving the HELL out of some grape soda. yesterday i had a fanta grape and a welch's grape, and i'm pretty sure that fanta is better.

but either way my poop is going to be green.

yesterday morning i had an interview at my brother's school to be a teacher. a TEACHER. me. influencing middle schoolers. oh and after the interview, which went very well, i went to my brother's office. outside his office are these chairs with arms on them, and as i went to sit down in one of them, my right pocket got caught on the arm and i ripped a huge hole down the side of my suit pants. my underwears were showing. not good.

so anyways, i'm moving today. if anybody has any free time, come help.

a fun link for you: top 8

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I must say

check out natalie dee and toothpaste for dinner, and their other two sites, married to the sea and Charles Dee, their dogs' tribute site. this is comedy at it's finest, and i wish i could steal all their crap and make it my own.


HELL-O!!! HellO!! hELLo!!! eh?

no response. maybe my mic is turned off. maybe everybody left. maybe i'm alone in this dark room.

is anybody there? hullo?


Saturday, May 13, 2006

The funniest picture on the internet.

this is my friend andrew. and this is his grandfather. and this is the funniest picture on the internet. you don't believe me? look around.

also, a funny idea that me and jim conjured up this morning. if somebody tells you you're late, then just say, "then i'm good." if they ask for an explanation, just say, "hey, if time is money, and the love of money is the root of all evil, then the love of time is also the root of all evil. so, being on time is evil and late is good, because then you don't love time. sucker."

I have the rage again.

BUT, i'm not gonna talk about him on here, like he's talked about me to a whole bunch of people. let's just say somebody needs to learn some responsibility. you're 24, and you need to be a man of your word.

my cousin graduated from mcg today. top of her class. now she and her husband are going to spain for two years, and then she's starting her residency at yale. she's the white sheep of our family. tonight, i went to her house for her graduation party. she and her husband live in a frickin mansion over on the savannah river. it was a good party. some of my family were there, as well as some of her husband's family, and some business partners. let me tell you, rich white women are crazy. and loud. and one old guy had on a purple suede jacket. of course, i'm talking to my other cousin (mcg's brother), and he says, "man i want one of those jackets." he was dead serious.

my cousin's husband is jason. his brother dustin was there, and it was hilarious to watch them hit each other, and play jokes on each other. we decided that no matter how old brothers get, they will always be like that. about a year ago, before my brother moved out of gainesville, i was at his house helping him pressure wash his back patio. i was at the hose rolling it up on the roley-cart thingy. and the house was going out between my legs and out into the yard as i was rolling it up. and so of course, my brother walks out into the yard, grabs the end of the hose, and cracks it like a whip. the wave goes all the way across the yard, wave by wave, right into my crotch. i fall down in pain. he falls down in laughter. he's 35.


and he still tells that story.

Monday, May 8, 2006


i don't care if you don't like tom cruise.

i don't care if you didn't like m:i-2.

i don't care if you don't like unrealistic action movies.


it is awesome. everything about the movie is awesome. and the best part? phillip seymour hoffman as a bad guy. he is evil incarnate. he gave me chills. i'm gonna see it two or three more times. and i recommend you all do the same.

Friday, May 5, 2006

THE ONE WHERE PAT quits doing that.

ooh. a rhyme.

so the other day i saw lacy at pj's (killer coffee house, best italian cream soda ever), and she and i got to talking about car wrecks, because she had just had one. all-of-the-sudden, i was reminded of a story, which i told her, and i am now going to tell you. well, it's not so much a story as a mere remembrance, but it made for a funny conversation.

the day before i turned 17 (which has been about 11 years ago now), i ran a stop sign and hit a car. i barely hit it, and nobody was injured and my ticket was only $36. that night my brother calls and says, "let me talk to mario andretti." my freshman year in high school, i got into a fight at school. that night my brother called and said, "let me talk to mike tyson." my brother is hilarious. so i'm recalling this in my conversation to lacy. and i told her, "last year after my nephew was born, my brother went and got know....the boys removed. i was going to call him and ask to talk to somebody funny, but i couldn't think of anybody." lacy's reply:

"you should have asked to talk to john wayne bobbitt."