liberate te ex texas

"save yourself from texas"

i have to fly to texas next month, and i can't afford it. i think i'll drive. hmm. NOW i wish i wasn't in this wedding, but oh well. and i've got to rent a tux. and i've got to have my wisdom teeth out. and i owe about 6 people money. well, 2. but it might as well be 100.

and...i need a haircut.

dangit

(1)i HATE it when friends start a conversation, and then decide they don't want to have it, and try to ignore the fact that they started it :)

(2)if anyone has any (or knows anyone that has any) original issues of GI Joe made by Marvel Comics, let me know. i'm on the prowl.

(3)my friend virginia just got back from 10 days in peru. my friend conor is leaving thursday for jerusalem for three months. oh, and DOTTIE left and moved back to freaking CAIRO, EGYPT and did NOT call to say GOODBYE. i hope you have jet lag (we missed you in kinship). i hang out with world travelers, yo.

(4)hunting season starts october 22, and i am excited. now, THERE is a news flash for some of you. i live in the south. i am NOT a redneck, i hate country music, and i don't dip or chew or anything. i listen to indie and hardcore and hip hop, i like coffee houses and i don't wear shoes unless i have to, i don't EVER wear cowboy boots, thank God (haha amanda), i have stickers on my hatchback car...yes all this, and i hunt deer. i'm sorry if that skewers some of your opinion of me. in self defense, i hunt for the food, not for the sport, and we even give some to homeless groups, but i make no excuse. i enjoy it. i'm also playing golf on saturday. mwaaahahahaha!

(5)"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." -c.s. lewis

Sounds Familyre

this is a downer post.

i spend a lot of time daydreaming. sometimes it's about silly stuff like g.i. joe and astronauts and stuff. sometimes it's more about life, like girls and marriage, and friends and family, and about leaving. tonight i was driving across town and started daydreaming about leaving. just, you know, going away. going to colorado, to a town i don't know with faceless people in it, who don't know me and whom i don't know. just being there in the perfect colorado weather, free and quiet and living. very still. no history.

it exploded in me this intense sadness that i don't understand. and i welled in me a consuming desire, but for what, i don't know. i don't want to leave, or be alone. but all of the sudden i can't shake it.

maybe it's just a desire to be out there and doing something cool. maybe it's a desire to not have anyone know anything about you, to be the "mystery." maybe it's a desire to try out a different name. pj, perhaps? who knows. it was very bizarre and it is still holding effect over me at this very moment, when i should be in bed.

you know, my mother is sad. not to say that she is a sad kind of person. she herself is just sad. i visited her yesterday, and she just cried and cried. she asked me a question that almost knocked me over. "do you have any idea what it would feel like to go just SEVEN days without physical contact of any kind?" she said that if she didn't get to hold and kiss her granddaughter (my neice), that she would never come in contact with anybody. my mom lives alone. she's had three shitty husbands and absentee friends. i live far away and my brother and sister-in-law are busy people, and are not much in the way of affection. my friends here give me grief when i go to see her, because it takes away time in which i could be hanging out. they hardly ever visit their parents (some of them are on the west coast), and it just doesn't make sense to them. my mom drives me nuts sometimes, but in my opinion, she is the absolute definition of love.

so, if anyone knows any nice, independently wealthy, late-50's/early 60's single men out there, let me know. (i'm kidding. do not contact me with this information.)

on another note (g flat, perhaps), i keep listening to more sufjan stevens. it is incredibly unbelievable how good "simple music" can be. it's mindblowing to be sure.

Mind Poop

I am so tired. And so hot. And so drained. It is HOOOTTTTTT down here. And I'm working outside in it every day. And I have a HORRIBLE sock line.

Also, my hair is getting really long and I'm growing a mustache. I'm not trying to be cool or anything. Actually I'm just trying to be funny and get a reaction out of people. It looks REALLY bad, especially since I can't really grow facial hair, so it looks even sillier.

OOHH!! 'THE SPY WHO LOVED ME' IS ON TV RIGHT NOW!

Anyway. So, I have finally realized what kind of dork I am. Everybody has some kind of dork in them. My roommate Sean likes Sci-Fi tv shows (bad ones) and plays computer video games like "Warlords Battlecry II" and "Dawn Destroyer." Actually I made that second one up but it sounds pretty cool. I'm going to have to use that somewhere. I'm picturing a new hair metal band...

So, everybody has something they nerd out with. Up until now I assumed I was free of this, but sadly no. I had forgotten this passion for a while but a coworker recently brought it out in me again. Here it is: I love comic books. I LOVE comic books. I've never really been a collector. In fact, the only one I've ever "collected" is GI Joe. I've loved GI Joe since a was a little boy (that's a long time), and I've got about half of the original 155 Marvel issues. So I was talking about it with my friend Monty at work, and he really REALLY loves comic books. He is an uber dork when it comes to that. He's totally normal when he's not on comic books, but he SUBSCRIBES to about 40 different ones. So, yeah, he's got me reading some and I realized that I want to get back into them, so I am. New Avengers, Wolverine, Ultimate Fantastic Four (complete with zombies), Green Lantern, Superman and Batman, and of course, GI Joe. Judge me if you want, but you all dork out at something, and it's not like I go to conventions or anything.

New topic.
Question: I don't date this girl anymore, and I don't want to have anything to do with her. But she still wants to be friends. I don't want to call her and TELL her to quit trying to call me-

WATCH OUT BEHIND YOU, BOND!! Oh that car is so cool.

-because then I would have to talk to her. Should I send her anthrax? No? It's driving me crazy! As of an hour ago, SEVEN calls in 10 days. AND she just tried to IM me. I'm like, "catch on faster!"

OK well...I guess anthrax would not be good. Or legal.

The 40-Year-Old-Virgin is out this weekend. Everybody go see it. Also, unless you suffer from complete paralysis and stupidity from the brain down, you should already have the new Nickel Creek album, "Why Should the Fire Die?" I hated it on the first listen, and I've loved it ever since. New Switchfoot and P.O.D. albums out soon, and if you are not already a fan of Sufjan Stevens, I'm going to send Will 'to pound you on the head with a tack hammer because you are a RE-tard.' (that was from Tommy Boy)

[self-titled]

God?
yes?
what am i doing?
talking.
no, i mean in life.
you are living. experiencing.
why?
because i love you.
but why the pain? why the confusion?
confusion?
i don't know what i'm doing.
you do, too.
well, but i don't know what i'm supposed to do.
yes you do.
no...
yes.
...
live?
oh.
live...for me.
oh, well...yeah, i knew that.
i know.
and the pain?
part of life. you know that, too.
but for so long? so many times in a row?
yep.
girls? jobs? friends? s-
yes. all part of life.
over and over...
yes, because...
...
because...
oh! because I...um...
keep going.
because i'm not doing the right thing to...uh...
rectify?
yes, rectify...the, uh, situation...
the...pain.
yes, the pain.
hurt?
yes.
guilt?
um, yeah.
selfishness?
...
se-
YES.
...
...
you know what?
hm?
i don't care about all that stuff.
oh?
i mean, i don't like it, but...
but...but you don't hold it against me.
nope.
believe it or not, i love you.
do you?
don't I?
yes.
yes?
YES.
...
...
hey.
yes?
start acting like it.
like what?
like you know I love you.
i DO know that.
well act like it.
ok.
hey.
hm?
now.
oh. ok.
good.
hey.
yes?
thanks.
anytime.
****************************
there are times when we, as humans, are so hurt, so angry, so sad, so confused, so guilty (or, feel so guilty, i guess), that we can't see the answer, obvious though it may be. i remember high school, doing homework, working on a problem that was simple enough. but for some reason--boredom, girls, whatever--I couldn't figure it out. so i would go to my stepdad. and he would begin to walk me through it. and all-of-the-sudden, all of it would make sense, and I would answer before he could finish. because i had to just get out of my own way for a minute. go to someone else. someone smart enough to know the answer, and smart enough not to just tell me answer.

i wrote all of this at borders tonight. and then i went outside and walked through rain puddles.

oh, and if you see my friend jumi, tell her thanks for me. she is wise, for sure.

What a wonderful world we live in

You know, it's ok to have an insecurity or two.

Hypothetical situation: Let's say I have a long nose. I'm Cyrano. And I'm embarassed. I hate it and I don't want people to see it. OK, I'm sitting in a room with my fair lady, alone. I have on a mask. She wants me to take off the mask and I don't want to. She asks why, and I tell her because I am embarassed of my nose, not just at that moment, but always. Now, my fair lady tells me that I have no right to be embarassed because SHE doesn't think it's wierd, and that I have no right to feel insecure. Well, I say my fair lady is not the only person in the universe, and that OTHER people could see it, do you see? And besides, MFL doesn't have any of those things anyway. No blemishes, no scars or moles. That's why she's my FAIR lady, not my hag lady. So, I will keep my hideous nose concealed, or at least yell at MFL if she brings it up again.

Last night was awesome. Hilarious movie with some good friends. Card games. OhandIbeatmyroommateatarmwrestling! Ha! I didn't just beat him, I injured him. His arm STILL hurts today. That's right. I'm awesome. Oh, and I rule at spoons.

Congratulations to Sophia Sansbury. Her father, Will, is a good friend and fellow blogger (see the "I don't dance anymore" blog, to the right). Today, Sophia was dedicated at church. And, as it's also her birthday, there was a party for her today. It was hilarious watching her smash the cake with her hands and wipe it all over herself and her hair and her face and her highchair. Great times. Will and Sarah and awesome parents and have an amazing child. Oh, and for her birthday, she got this Thomas the Tank Engine book, and on the cover it looks like Thomas is giving this hot lady engine the "eye." So I thought it was about him getting a girlfriend, but no dice.

And so, alllllll my teacher friends are going back to school now, and they are all going to be grumpy next week, so I think I'm just going to bid them all farewell until next spring. So, John, Rodger, Angela, Sarah, Jason, Vianne, Brandon, Heather, Cami, Kelsey, Adam, Claudia, Miss Debbie, Dan and Leslie, have a good year, don't kill any kids, and I'll see you next summer.

A song

As I recall with my stomach turning
I was hiding away from myself, away from you
Like nothing, though something was terribly wrong
And I admit that I was only waiting for the right time
Night time, the right moment for you to look away
Though you never did, I pretended for a while
So I could walk where I don't belong

And I remember every word you said
Come back in time, come back
And I remember I would soon be dead
Now so pitiful, so pitiful

But I know as I hammered those nails into your beautiful hands
Your eyes still try to search for mine, but I look away
Now your eyes are the only thing that can save me
I'm still afraid of them piercing
You're breaking into my prison
Just pretended for a while
My soul is dying I won't look away

And I remember every word you said...
I'll remember every word you said
This time I won't look away
*******************************************
Man, those swedes are deep. This song is called "pitiful," and it's by a band called Blindside, and they are from Sweden. Their fifth studio album was released yesterday, and it's called "The Great Depression," referring to the great depression in our hearts before we find Christ. If you like hardcore rock, get into Blindside.

Peace

Long hot summer!

It's been so hot here. Three straight 100 degree days (115 with the heat index), and I work outside. Needless to say, I have a horrible sockline.

OK, first a quote, and then some monday words.

"I didn't go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don't recommend Christianity." --C.S. Lewis

1. The Half-Blood Prince: That book is frickin awesome! And what I thought was going to happen, happened (see previous post). JK Rowling is in trouble.

2. Service: We talked about service in kinship tonight. I think I definitely need to work on my servant attitude.

3. Wisdom teeth: So my oral surgury benefits kicked in, so I can finally get my wisdom teeth out after nearly two years of waiting. But, it's still going to cost me $350. If you would like to donate to this fund, let me know.

4. Supervisor: My supervisor at work is on vacation this week, and I'm in charge. BWAA-HA-HA-HAA!!! >:)

5. Journal: I bought a new notebook to write in and take notes in, etc. It's black, and I bought it thinking that it was manly enough for me to buy, because it has a solid black cover. A few years ago, I had a journal with a dragonfly on it, and my friend Angela made fun of me. So, now I have to buy manly journals.

6. Lost Dogs: Pearl Jam has recorded about 7 or 8 albums since the phenomenal and groundbreaking release of "Ten" in 1991. Everytime, they have recorded songs that were very good, but for one reason or another, didn't get onto the album. Well, now they have released a double CD called "Lost Dogs" where they put 30 of their favorites from this category (this album includes "Last Kiss" and fan favorite "Yellow Ledbetter"). This album is amazing and I recommend it to everyone who enjoys good music. (Cool liner notes included)

7. Garden State Soundrack: Coldplay, The Shins, Iron and Wine, Frou Frou, and a personal favorite, Nick Drake. A tremendous album for an amazing movie.

8. Wedding Crashers: two words-hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

9. Contentment: I think for a while I am just going to focus on learning to be content with what I have been given and stop trying to get more. I think that is the key to me being able to move on with life and get out of the quagmire.

10. Road trip: Tomorrow, after work, I am taking my friend Jeff to North Carolina to look at a car that he may or may not buy. But we are going to have fun. And walkie-talkies.

11. Philemon: I studied this book the other day while I was drinking an iced Chai at Borders. I ended up having to make a huge list of people that I need to forgive. Hmm.

12. Friends: I've been watching seasons 4, 5, and 6. So great.

13. Marriage: In september, I'm going to be a groomsman at my friend Heath's wedding in Houston. And in March, I'm going to be the best man at my friend Tysen's wedding. This after years of being 'the wedding singer.' I'm stoked. But I have to buy a plane ticket to Houston, so again, if you wish to donate, let me know.

Before I go...

"The true Christian's nostril is to be continually attentive to the inner cesspool." --C.S. Lewis

Isn't he awesome? How do you think of crap like that??

PS - thanks to Rodger for the quotes.