this is a downer post.
i spend a lot of time daydreaming. sometimes it's about silly stuff like g.i. joe and astronauts and stuff. sometimes it's more about life, like girls and marriage, and friends and family, and about leaving. tonight i was driving across town and started daydreaming about leaving. just, you know, going away. going to colorado, to a town i don't know with faceless people in it, who don't know me and whom i don't know. just being there in the perfect colorado weather, free and quiet and living. very still. no history.
it exploded in me this intense sadness that i don't understand. and i welled in me a consuming desire, but for what, i don't know. i don't want to leave, or be alone. but all of the sudden i can't shake it.
maybe it's just a desire to be out there and doing something cool. maybe it's a desire to not have anyone know anything about you, to be the "mystery." maybe it's a desire to try out a different name. pj, perhaps? who knows. it was very bizarre and it is still holding effect over me at this very moment, when i should be in bed.
you know, my mother is sad. not to say that she is a sad kind of person. she herself is just sad. i visited her yesterday, and she just cried and cried. she asked me a question that almost knocked me over. "do you have any idea what it would feel like to go just SEVEN days without physical contact of any kind?" she said that if she didn't get to hold and kiss her granddaughter (my neice), that she would never come in contact with anybody. my mom lives alone. she's had three shitty husbands and absentee friends. i live far away and my brother and sister-in-law are busy people, and are not much in the way of affection. my friends here give me grief when i go to see her, because it takes away time in which i could be hanging out. they hardly ever visit their parents (some of them are on the west coast), and it just doesn't make sense to them. my mom drives me nuts sometimes, but in my opinion, she is the absolute definition of love.
so, if anyone knows any nice, independently wealthy, late-50's/early 60's single men out there, let me know. (i'm kidding. do not contact me with this information.)
on another note (g flat, perhaps), i keep listening to more sufjan stevens. it is incredibly unbelievable how good "simple music" can be. it's mindblowing to be sure.