i was going to put crisises. you know, just to be funny.
(DISCLAIMER: this is really depressing. it's also a continuation of some stuff i talked about two posts ago)
in 2008, i turned 30. and it was no big deal. really. oh, i made the normal dread-being-30 jokes and old man quips and what have you. but really, when it happened, i just woke up and went to work and it was no big deal (actually i didn't go to work because i took two days off. HA!) i had so many other things to worry about at that time, and i honestly didn't feel any different. and now, suddenly, i'm having a combination of panic attacks about how short life is, and feelings of utter hopelessness. for the past couple of months, i have been surprised by a fear of dying. i think, "i'm 30. and that 30 went by FAST. and what if i die when i'm 60? then i only have 30 more years to do EVERYTHING. and what if the second 30 is quicker than the first 30? and what if it takes 10 years to get anywhere with acting, and then i only have 20 years? or God forbid the acting thing doesn't take off at all, and then i will be..." and on and on and on.
what if i get there and realize i was only kidding myself? you know, like i've kidded myself about everything else.
last night, at our bible study group, we talked about what from 2008 we wanted to leave behind. i didn't answer, because what was i going to say? everything? well, not EVERYthing. there were good points. but a lot of it. and then we talked about what were striving for in this coming year. i realized, as i was thinking about that question, that i have never in my life felt hopeless. until now. it's an odd mixture of bad choices and regret and hesitation and failure and guilt, which wouldn't have a hold on me if not for the fact that i let it build and fester and grow. and it has sucked the joy out of life. i'm basically not excited about the things that i'm usually excited about.
and really, i'm not hopeless. and i'm not scared to die. and i'm not worried about being an actor. i just get these...momentary lapses. i'm talking, like, 127 seconds of panic! on the couch. in that brief time, the world is collapsing and nothing will go right and there is no way i'll ever get out of this - this - this whatever it is. but life goes on and the moments pass and soon i get back to the excitement of...waiting.
chicago can't come soon enough. maybe i'll just go this weekend.