Borders: The Chapel Hill Chronicles

Episode 14: In which Pat learns about The Sins of the Father

I know that not everybody is a fan of American Chopper, but if you get a chance to watch it, you will experience one of the funniest people I've ever seen on television: Mikey. The funniest part is, it's totally real. I have seen American Chopper before, but it was only Paul Sr. and Paul Jr., and Mikey wasn't on the show. But since I've just been sitting around here in Chapel Hill, and TLC was running an American Chopper marathon (and I had already watched A Christmas Story twice), I started watching. Mikey is SO awesome, I may buy some seasons of American Chopper just to catch more of him.

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Joey, Rachel, and Ross: YAYYY!!!
Chandler: What happened?! What happened?!
Joey: YOU KISSED MY GIRLFRIEND!
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Ah, The One With Chandler In A Box.

Today, I have become a firm believer in the whole "Sins of the Father" thing. Up until now, I basically didn't really believe that whole thing. The way I figured, the only reason your father (or mother) really passed them down was because you, as a kid being raised by them, were around them and were able to pick up their traits. Your mom paranoid? Welcome to paranoia. Your dad a heavy drinker? Go easy on the Stoli martinis.

But maybe not so much anymore. Spending a lot of time with my dad is not something I'm used to. And it's not really like we are doing a lot of conversing or doing awesome things. We mostly watch tv and sleep, broken up with me leaving to find food. But I have learned some things about him, and one of those is IMPATIENCE. His fuse is about the length of a grain of sand. And it's not like a good mood/bad mood thing. He is just totally impatient. It is his world and we are all in the way. And I struggle with being impatient. It makes me grumpy and angry and I hate it. BUT...I didn't spend my life hanging out with him. We weren't together all the time so that I could pick up those traits from him. So, how did I get them? I know it could be that I just became impatient and angry on my own, but it's hard not to watch those things in him and then blame him for them happening to me. Thanks a lot, pop. (I don't really blame my dad. I mean, who can blame him for being out-of-sorts right now, you know?)

So, Top 5 Things I Got From My Father
1. Impatience
2. Big Ears
3. Straight Legs (which my mom says are sexy. bleeghh!)
4. Bushy, "Hey You Should Let Me Pluck Those" Eyebrows
5. Funky Toes

Top 2 Things I Didn't Get From My Dad
1. Deep, "Hey You Sound Like An Actual Man" Voice
2. Cankles

mur' chimuh, urr boddy!

A couple of Top 5 questions

top 5 ensemble casts in a movie:
1. Tombstone - Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer, Michael Biehn, Powers Boothe, Dana Delany, Thomas Haden Church, Jason Priestly, Billy Zane, Bill Paxton, Sam Elliot, Charlton Heston, and even Robert Mitchum narrating, Billy Bob Thornton and Frank Stallone.
2. Apocalypse Now - Marlon Brando, Martin Sheen, Robert Duvall, Harrison Ford, Dennis Hopper, Scott Glenn, Laurence Fishburn, and R. Lee Ermey.
3. Mars Attacks - Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Annette Bening, Pierce Brosnan, Danny DeVito, Martin Short, Michael J. Fox, Jim Brown, Sarah Jessica Parker, Natalie Portman, Pam Grier, Lukas Haas, Rod Steiger, Tom Jones, Jack Black (remember that?), Christina Applegate, and Joe Don Baker.
4. Crash - Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Brendan Fraser, Thandie Newton, Terrence Howard, Ryan Phillipe, Larenz Tate, Tony Danza, Ludacris, William Fichtner (one of my favorites), and Nona Gaye (I only put her because of Marvin).
5. Pulp Fiction - John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Bruce Willis, Ving Rhames, Uma Thurman, Tim Roth, Amanda Plummer, Eric Stoltz, Phil LaMarr, Rosanna Arquette, Steve Buscemi, Christopher Walken, Julia Sweeney (It's Pat), Harvey Keitel, and of course, Quentin Tarantino.

I know there were others I could put, but these are my favorites.

Bonus Question:
Top 5 Christmas carols
1. O Holy Night
2. O Come O Come Emmanuel
3. Carol of the Bells
4. Little Drummer Boy
5. Grandma Got Runned Over By a Reindeer

Merry Christmas everybody!

screw you, Seattle's Best!!!!

borders spent two months with a closed down cafe so that they could put in this new Seattle's Best Coffee shop, and it's expensive and it's not even really that much better, and they filled up my drink too much and it spilled all over my hand - REPEATEDLY - for five minutes. jerks.

and to top it all off, no pun intended, they have NOT joined the 22nd century yet. "SHUT! just shut up. i know, it's not the 22nd century, dwight. ok? i made that up." that would make a good scene for 'the office.' they (borders) are still charging - CHARGING - for wifi. I FREAKING KNOW!!!! but i've beat the system. i sit next to the window and pirate the signal from atlanta bread company. i am awesome.

i feel like i've said that before. the wireless thing, not the awesome thing.

there are some people at work, and seriously, i want to punch them THROUGH the esophagus. or, maybe some three stooges-type stuff. BONK. SLAP. WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP. and then STAB! in the leg or hand. or eeeeesophagus.

so anyways, i'm hoping everyone is doing well. i was supposed to go to my dad's this weekend, but i didn't. i went to my mom's last weekend, and it turns out that she had bronchitis, so i decided not to chance taking that to my dad. but, i did already have friday off. so i stayed off. i slept until ELEVENTY-TEN on friday morning. and i did precisely JACK on friday. today i cleaned my much dirty apartment. and that's about it.

coming up tomorrow: TOP 5 time!!!

Upcoming blog

"coming up on the wardrobe door, a list of whoM i want to kill and how i will do it. PLUS, am i dying? and in a special report, i am about to get off my increasingly large ass and make it smaller. stories, jokes and more on the next "The Wardrobe Door." baaahh dat dat dahh daaahh, baddadda dat dadaaaa!

monday monday

oh hell.

the bad thing about blogging is that, CONSTANTLY, you are thinking of things that you could write. "oh snap! that would be awesome to write about on my blog!" unfortunately, you are on an interstate in the middle of nowhere, with no computer within 200 miles to typity-type on. so, hooray for me, i'm gonna get a laptop! now, i can blog whilST riding down the road. or, you know, at the rest station.

i didn't go to my dad's this past weekend. i went for three weeks in a row, so my aunt went up this weekend, and i stayed here to work and catch up my bank account. but instead i went to hang out with my mom. and what did i do at my mom's you ask? the answer, ironically, is...i..ronical. i sat there all of saturday and watched tv while my mom was sick asleep on the couch. in other words, the same thing i've been doing at dad's. awesome.

SUpER awesome

i'm ready to be blogging about funny day-to-day stuff, instead of catching everyone up on what's been going on recently. a couple of days ago, i went back and read all of my blogs from 2005. man, i was a funny bastard back then. oh, and i saw when all of you guys started reading my blog. we used to converse a lot more. i'm ready to get back to that. you ready?

SUPER BLOGGING POWERS, ACTIVATE!

TYRANNOSAURUS!!!

(somebody yell "stegosaurus!" so i won't feel like an idiot)

Do you play guitar?

No, but I play banjo.

Perfect!

let me tell you, i've put about 2500 miles on my car in the last 3 weeks. it's rough. i mean, the drive is not that bad, but then i spend the weekend laying in the hotel watching movies. now, i LOVEs me some movies, but doing nothing else for two-and-a-half days makes you feel like your muscles are atr...atrof....atroph...not working.

the worst thing is the money. missing a day of work each week, combined with buying practically three gallons of gas each week, makes for an achey wallet. i'm straining to stay on my budget, but that's taking a toll as well.

but the good news is that my dad is glad that i'm there. he is sincerely disappointed when i leave, which i'm not used to. i'm actually not going this weekend, and he's disappointed about that, too. but my aunt is going there, so i took the week off to work some extra hours and help out my bank account (seeing as how next week i have to pay the 50 dollars it cost to replace my dumbass razr phone).

also good news: dad is finally feeling better. just as i was leaving this past weekend, he said that he felt as good as he had since he started the chemo. the medication was finally doing what it was supposed to do. so that's good. and the chemo and radiation are doing what they are supposed to do, also. the lump in his neck as apparently gone down considerably.

next post, i will talk to you about redneck bidets and writing on bathroom walls.

ps - flixster is awesome!!! and i'm on facebook now too.

It's coming!

Be on the lookout people!

Sorry

I've been really busy with my dad. I will post soon. Hope everybody had a great thanksgiving!

ps i think i switched to blogger beta, so you may have difficulty commenting. you may have to do it anonymously.

i love you guys.

Conversation overheard this past saturday:

Georgia: SSLLLLAAAP!!
Auburn: *Cry*

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My nephew turned 1 on Saturday. We had a party for him yesterday. Lilly Grace of course tried to open all the presents. It's kind of odd: my nephew has no idea who I am. When Lilly Grace turned 1, she knew me really well. I was able to go up a lot and see her. I've barely been able to see Mitchell, and he kinda shys away from me. Hopefully I can rectify that.

My dad starts chemo and radiation today. I'm really nervous for him. I am leaving Thursday after work to go up there and spend the weekend with him. We will see how that goes. I'm gonna be doing that for 7 straight weeks.

Lastly, that top 5 question was a HUGE success! I will do that more often.

Hey look! My keys!

Top 5 time

Top 5 movies since 1970 that you would have on your resume as a filmmaker. Movies that you would say, yeah I made 5 movies, and THESE are them! You can pick any movie since 1970, any genre.

Bonus question: If there were one character since 1970 that you wish you had played (say, I wish I had played Maverick in Top Gun), and why?

Go!

_____________

My answers (in chronological order):
1. The Godfather (1970)
2. The Blues Brothers (1980)
3. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
4. Tombstone (1993)
5. Heat (1995)

Now, please note, none of these movies are in my all time, top 5 favorites list, but these are the movies that I wish I had made. I picked Last Crusade over Temple and Raiders because, although the first two were amazing movies, Last Crusade was a KILLER third movie, and Last Crusade made the most money, so there you go.

Oh, and my answer to the bonus question? I would have given anything to play Val Kilmer's Doc Holliday in Tombstone. To me, that was, hands down, the best role ever played in Hollywood (barely beating, in my honest opinion, Gregory Peck's Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird, Dustin Hoffman's Raymond Babbitt in Rainman, Morgan Freeman's Earl Redding in The Shawshank Redemption, and Steve Martin's Navin Johnson in The Jerk). There are roles that I think were funnier, roles that I think were grittier, roles that I think were more emotional. But Val Kilmer's Doc Holliday epitopmized all of these attributes and so much more. No role is more awesome, more quotable, and more sheerly badass, than the man who, while drunk, looked Ike Clanton in the eye and said "OOPS. Maybe poker's not your game. I know. Let's have a spelling contest." The man who, while drunk, looked Billy Clanton, after having been told he was so drunk he was probably seeing double, pulled out his second pistol and said "I have two guns, one for each of you." If you have never seen this movie, drop what you are doing and watch it now. It will change your life. Or...you know, occupy you for two hours.
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Also, congratulations to my roommate, Sean. He asked his girlfriend, Keffy (Kathy) to marry him saturday night. Fortunately, she said yes. Way to go.

seasons

there are four. they change. get it? good.

it's pretty sad when you realize that your life is changing dramatically. well, parts of it are great. it's awesome when you feel like you are REALLY coming into your own. parts of me were already there, but now i feel like i'm really hitting it (twss). but, that also means cutting things and people out, not necessarily because you don't like them, but...you know, seasons and stuff. deep huh?

today i was realized i was not as close with some people as i used to be. and then it dawned on me that i really hadn't been close to them in a long time. i had been hanging on to what used to be a close, awesome friendship, but one that become less so in recent years. things had changed in us, both good and bad, and i had tried to hang on to those olden times where things were always fun and spontaneous. but alas, those times are gone. and it really breaks my heart.

above all, i love these friends with all my heart. i mean honestly, there are few people i would die for in the world, and they are on the list. actually, that's a lie. there are tons of people i would die for. not because i'm a good friend. i just want everyone to like me. but no seriously, they are on the list. even when i didn't like them, i defended them, and wanted to protect them.

i still consider them friends, don't get me wrong. it's just not the same anymore, and it's high time i realized that and moved on. it's time to grow up, as they say. we aren't 21 anymore.

(is it possible that in a year and a half, i'll be thirty? i'm not dreading it or anything, i just don't remember being 8 and saying "man i want to live in a tiny apartment and make $10 an hour in 20 years." i mean, i have low expectations of myself, but geez.)

so lot's of things are changing. i started reading Romans today. i need a good kick in the gut, so there it is. i also just did a massive reorganizing of my guitar notebook. if i'm gonna get serious about playing, i need to start there. and get my guitar fixed. actually, if anybody would like to contribute to the "buy pat a Martin" fund, send payments to, um...well...nevermind.

so, a lot of stuff going on. my dad is ok. he starts chemo in about 2 weeks. thanks for all the prayers and stuff.

pat, bed.

my computer sucks, but here it is

So, lotta BS to catch up on, so I'll do this the awesome way. Wednesday words. Awesome.

(i just now, sitting right here, realized that i was supposed to go downtown tonight to watch rodger and dottie play. i'm an ass.)(ed. - this was supposed to be posted last night, wednesday)

and now, Wednesday Words:

1. paternal: my dad and i have had a weak relationship pretty much my entire life. i see him on average about once a year, and yet i tremble at what he thinks about me personally. i shouldn't be surprised. my entire life, i have been afraid of what people think of me, so why should he be any different. well, i put all of that on the line last night when i told him (via email) that i was going to be coming to chapel hill every weekend while he's in chemo, and that i knew he didn't want me to but it was something i wanted to do for him. his reply? he was grateful.

i know.

2. the office: i just watched seasons one and 2 of the office on dvd (thanks kristen. avlsyfty.) "this morning i found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and jim halpert tried to convince me i had committed murder. i think he may be the real murderer."

3. doberman: my roommate's girlfriend's dogs have been living with us. doberman pinscher and mini pinscher. sigh. SHUT UP RAT! (rat is the mini, destiny (i call her density) is the big one) our place stinks right now, and they won't shut up, but they are cute. COOL. THEY ARE COOL. NOT CUTE. COOL. I DID NOT SAY CUTE. (*drinks beer, hammers*)

4. intellistation: well, so at work, as of monday, i have a desk, a computer (ibm intellistation), and a phone line. and i have "organization automobile" email (OA is the place where i work, in code). i know all this sounds good, but basically i'm just doing the job and not getting paid for it. but it's coming (twss), they don't have the budget for it until january.

5. razr: %#%^*&@$%&&@$%&. whew. so i was so excited about my new black RAZR phone that i dropped it. no big deal right? one drop? well, the outside screen doesn't work anymore, it constantly runs and drains my battery in about 7 hours, and my charger only works about half the time. up yours, motorola!

6. budget: it's coming along well, except that it's kinda not right now because when i went to north carolina, i missed 3 days of work and spent a good deal of money, so i'm kinda iffy right now, but i'll be good in about two days.

7. diabetes: just found out my mom has it. good stuff. really

8. awesome

so, great week all around. it's kinda up and down right now (that's what she said), but i'm making it i guess.
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"today jim halpert told me that there was an abandoned child in the ladies' room. when i went to rescue the child, i saw phyllis on the can. yeikes."

i swear!

i wrote a long post last night to put up, and for some reason Blogger wasn't working. but, fortunately i copied and pasted it into word before it deleted itself, so as soon as i get home today i will try it again.

hope everybody is having a good day.

what elephant?

i got a lot of stuff to say, but i need time to organize it all out, so i'm gonna do it when i get home.

or, you know...tomorrow.

thanks to everybody for all their prayers and support. you guys are awesome.

throatcancersucks

dot com

yeah. thanks.

actual conversation:

me: "...oh yeah, i haven't told you? yeah i just found out my dad has cancer. we're not really sure how serious it is yet..."

dude at work: "oh it's serious. my buddy's dad had cancer, and they gave him six months to a year. but after two months, HE EXPLODED (embellishment)."

chick at work: "oh yeah, my uncle had cancer, and he was given a year, but around five months into it ALL HIS LIMBS FELL OFF (another embellishment)."

me: "well, we are staying positive and praying for the best..."

dude: "man, cancer ain't no joke. i had a buddy who had cancer and HE CAUGHT ON FIRE AND SHOT IN TO SPACE before he even had a chance to settle his will (yet another embellishment)..."

*note - the words in CAPS are not actually what they said. i edited for comedic purposes. please continue laughing.
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at this point in the conversation, i turned around and walked out. i was just trying to tell a friend about my dad, and they kept bringing up how their friends and family had all suffered and died because of cancer. as if i didn't know that cancer is scary. as if i didn't need any encouragement. i almost started crying, and i NEVER cry (another embellishment - actually i cry like a water faucet). it was really annoying. i'm not mad at him or anything, but i did have to walk out.

but on a positive note, it looks like i AM getting promoted and raised, so yee haw! i'll post more as i know more.

i'm outie 5000.

awesome.

i suck at the internet.

heavy heart, heavy body

so, last thursday, i was at work, and i had been there for eleven hours. my dad calls.

"i don't know how to say this so i'm gonna just say it. i found out yesterday that i have cancer. throat and tongue."

...

how do you respond to that?

well, so he doesn't know anything yet. he's going for some tests tomorrow. and he tells me, "i want you to come up here next week so we can go over some stuff." great.

i'm not really upset yet. i mean, i was the first day, but then i figure, there's nothing to be worried about yet. they don't even know how extensive the cancer is. it could be just a little spot that they can remove with surgery. who knows. i'm going up there saturday night (he lives on the coast of north carolina, just in from the OBX). next tuesday i'm taking him to UNC for some tests. i'm not sure how to react to all this. he's trying to be upbeat about it, even though he wants to go over his will with me. i'm just continuing to pray.

i hope he decides to ignore my weight on this trip.

confession

hello. my name is patrick. i have been addicted to You Tube for about a week.

"hello patrick"

it all started last friday. i didn't get into the spades game we usually have at lunch. i got bored really fast with my space and blogger, and decided to find clips of "the office." before you know it, i'm rolling on the floor...laughing.

now, i'm on You Tube two or three times a DAY. clips of dane cook, chappelle's show, the office, and chris rock are dancing through my head like some streaming hallucination.

i accept that i have only done this to myself, and i am ready to get help. i don't want to live like this anymore.

thank you.

yeah, i know

you may now comment on how awesome this looks.

kickball, dangit!!!!!!

that's right, we the people of the vineyard community church, will be getting down with our bad selves, in the game of kings: KICKBALL!!!

i'm gonna destroy everybody.

ps - um, yeah, georgia football team? that was not pretty. you need to shape that up.

i've said it before

i'll say it again

SCENERY!!!

i'm trying out some different stuff until Will makes me a cool, unique page. this one kinda sucks, and i had to widen the "paper" so all my crap would fit in, but oh well.

lots of changes at work. i'm still thinking i may get that promotion and raise. i really won't believe it until about 3 days AFTER it happens, but, you know...

so yeah.

my brain hurts.

Love Seat

This pretty much made my head explode at work today.
Click on it to make it bigger.

there are some changes over to the right...

can you find them all? and do you know what they mean?

the dawgs won 34-0, that is fantastic. great day of college football this past saturday, every team that i wanted to lose, lost, except one. that would be florida, and i hate them the most. so oh well.

i will put more up tomorrow. right now i have a headache. and i have lots of laundry to do.

music update: the song is playing now. i'm gonna post the words there soon. i'm also about to record my second. and some of the other guys and i just started discussing putting them out on a disc, not unlike the two we have released so far, but probably not as done up as those. anyways, i'll keep you posted. let me know if the song sucks or not. i know i need to redo the vocals at the beginning, and i'm in the process of writing some non-worship songs, too.

ok that's it.

say goodbye.

i know! i know!

(you asked the QUESTION!)

the music is not up on my page yet. i figured by the time monday morning rolled around, it would be there, but sadly no. me and will are trying to figure out the problem.

but in the meantime, isn't that picture pretty cool? i look pretty decent from a distance.

until the song comes up, hum something in your head. like this: hmmmmm hm hmmMMMM mmmhmmmmmm hmm mmMMMMmm MM MM Mm. ah yeah...that's nice.

i'm out.

cool new ITEMS

right now, sarah sansbury is singing a song in my ear. it's awesome.

i finished my first song. it's a worship song, called On the Floor. it's at my new music page. And I wrote another song tonight called Broken Love, which is also a worship song, but could have gone either way. I hope to record it this week and put it up soon.

also, if you check my regular myspace at the right, i put up an awesome new song from pigeon john. please enjoy.

lastly, i've added a couple of new people to my list.

haley is kristen's sister. i've met her once and i've talked to her twice that many times. but she is really funny, and a fellow FRIENDSter.

bekah and i sang in some choirs together in college. she is one of the funnier people i've ever known, and a wonderful actress (tor?). she's good people.

adelle is the half-year-old of my college friends jo (girl) and jamie (dude). she is cuter than heck, and jo and jamie are great parents. jo loves dashboard confessional, jamie SHOULD have been a professional rapper, and thanks to them, i know of jack johnson. i love them.

lastly, but not...least...ly? lauren is someone that i found by just randomly surfing around blogger. all of the sudden, i'm looking at a picture of this girl grinning really big in a clerical collar. we are immediate music and movie friends.

um, so that's it i guess. new myspace page for music, two new songs, and four new bloggy friends.

so, what's new with you?

fantastically awesome

more words for you

i'm going to use words like "the," "budget," "guitar," and "coma." whenever you see these words, scream.

you know, like peewee's playhouse?

anyway. this year has been really up and down. so much in fact that i wonder if i'm bipolar. i'm probably not, but who knows. is there anysuchthing as half-bipolar? would that be quarterpolar? semipolar? polar? bear? hm.

things have actually been looking up, i think. after a pretty serious financial disaster a couple of weeks ago, i met with a friend and he got me on a pretty serious budget. now, honestly, REALLY honestly, i am a HORRIBLE financial manager. i love to go out to eat and go to the movies (i've been to about 15 this summer already) and buy comic books. and i don't make that much anyway. so for him to say to me "get on this budget and stay on it" made me nervous, and then when he said "you are going to buy a house next year," well then my brain just exploded. and when it exploded, all the little chunks started laughing at him and pointing.

ME! BUY A HOUSE? you're CRAZY!

but he talked me in to it. and after a week, it's been pretty simple. i'm starting to think, why was this so hard for me all along? the truth was that i just had the wrong frame of mind about money, and jeff kinda pointed me in the right direction. and i've seriously been walking a little taller since then.

the other good things are threefold. (a) i got a raise. i may have already said that, but yeah, i got a raise, so that's good. (2) i'm working for my church now, too. it's not a lot of money (which i'm actually happy about), but it's good and it helps a lot. and (#) i'm pretty soon going to be getting a promotion and another raise (the promotion i'm sure about, the raise i'm pretty sure about). so these are all really good things.

and...i'm still fighting this feeling. it sucks because i have a lot of things to be cheery about, but still. i'm sure it's just me, but...whatever. i'll get over it.

the other cool thing is, i'm gonna start actually writing songs. i've got some stuff down already, and me and dottie went down to the fox's lair last night to scope it out. it ruled. next week i'm gonna play at open mic night, and me and my guitar are gonna rockout. oh and i wrote a worship song, too, and me and rodger are going to record it this weekend.

oh, and btw, dottie blew the doors off the place. she's awesome.

more later.

ps - this is what this section of the alphabet would look like if q and r were eliminated.

pss - coma. i couldn't think of anywhere to put it, so there it is. everybody scream.

psss - i just ripped up a quarter of my thumbnail. awesomes.

i'm sorry but...

brooke sheilds looks like a man in this picture.

there's so much drama in the A-U-G

it's kinda hard bein' pat s-t-ee-d!

good lord am i hot and tired!...so, let's see. what's the best way to catch everybody up? hmm...

SATURDAY WORDS!!!!!!!!

of course, it's gonna be more like, saturday paragraphs, but you get the point. man, i haven't done this in a while. i'm kinda excited. ok, let's call it september words.

september words, v.1.0. go.

i. heat. (a) it's hot as a mother here in augusta. 24 days over 95 degrees. i'm not kidding. last year there were only ten days over 95 degrees between august and september. (b) heat is also a KILLER movie. made by michael mann, this movie is one of the few "10" movies from the last 16 years. if you haven't seen it, go forth and do. it's violent, and pacino and deniro give the performances of a lifetime. heat was the first time pacino and deniro were ever on screen together, and this movie holds two "bests." best shootout, and best onscreen conversation between two people. the end.

ii. dave matthews band. ok, it would take me an hour to describe how un-FREAKING-believable this concert was, so let me give bullet points.
a. we won our tickets from 99x, so free tickets, and free food to boot. yeah.
b. a $14 margarita called "the yard." could have been frozen, but whatever.
c. DMB WAS AWESOME!!! ok, last time i saw them, they played quite a bit of new stuff, which obviously isn't bad, but you know, you wanna hear the old favorites. well not this time buddy! they started off with pantala naga pampa leading in to rapunzel. if you don't know, this is the killer combo opening to "before these crowded streets." after that, crash into me, say goodbye, and satellite had the whole crowd going crazy. after some good recent stuff, they played (back to back) so much to say, too much, can't stop, warehouse, dream girl, #41, and ants marching. i seriously almost wet my pants. BUT THAT'S NOT THE BEST PART!!

they already had three guest musicians with them. butch taylor on piano (always awesome), rashawn ross on trumpet (6'3", 350lb black dude, awesome), and jeff coffin on saxophone (holy crap!). so, the show was already rockin! and then, after 'dream girl,' these other two dudes came out on the stage, and i realized that it was BELA FLECK AND FUTUREMAN!! (futureman is bela's drummer, victor wooten didn't show and i was sad). so i was like, "wow! they need to play #41" (my favorite ever, and one that bela has jammed on many times), and so they DID. for THIRTY. TWO. MINUTES. leroi soloed. rashawn soloed. coffin soloed for SIX minutes. then bela got started and that was just retarded. i mean, he's so good it's sick. and then coffin and bela start going back and forth with each other. and then boyd soloed. and then boyd and bela started going back and forth. and then butch soloed. and then...

you see, futureman was just sitting there on this box. he didn't have his normal drum machine shaped like a guitar. well, futureman starts playing on the side of this box, and they've got it miked (i then realize, being a percussionist myself, that this is a drum box). so futureman soloed. and then futureman and carter start going back and forth. by this time, i have soiled myself several times. and dave is just up there shaking his head. and now it's 20 til 11 and i think they are done, and they play the last note and carter starts on ants marching. they played those two songs for 48 mintues. TWO. SONGS. so then they leave the stage, and 15 minutes later, dave comes out alone and plays this BEAUTIFUL song about his sister, and then they played ANOTHER two songs (JTR and tripping billies) for about 25 minutes.

all-in-all, 3 and a half hours of the best concert i've ever seen, and i didn't even pay for it. kamma, you are the best ever. thanks.

iii. life. one of the funniest movies i have ever EVER seen. eddie murphy is comedic genius. i wish i had it here right now, i'd watch it.

iv. bank. dear bank, i hate you. love, patrick. ps. you suck.

v. wedding singer. not the movie. me. i sing in weddings. every friend i've ever had get married, except 3, have asked me to sing in their wedding. i think i've sung in about 35. last weekend, my friend kevin got married. he and i went to college together, and he's the guy i always knew i would beat to the altar. NEAT. I'M GONNA DIE ALONE. nah, seriously, his wedding was awesome, and i got to see a few people that i hadn't seen in a long time, and then that night i went clubbing in buckhead.

vi. clubbing. after the wedding, i met up with some friends for dinner and clubbing. i haven't really been dancing in a long time, but it was the bomb. for a while. i DID shake my moneymaker. i raised the roof. i found him in the club. i let my shoulder lean. i said YEEEAHHahhHHH!! a lot. i sweated. i got home and went to sleep at 4:30. and then i woke up at six. yes. one and a half hours. of sleep. and then i drove to augusta.

vii. nap. that sunday, i took a SIX. HOUR. NAP. i know.

viii. rap music. i still am not that impressed with today's rap music, but two songs have been stuck in my head all week: headsprung by ll cool j (who i can't stand) and promiscuous by nelly furtado (who is neither here nor there). the reason that they are both so good, is that timbaland made these songs, and he is awesome. you can hear promiscuous on my myspace page for the next couple of days, and you will have to go to launch to hear the llcoolsuck song (for that last link to work, i think you will have to log in to yahoo).

ix. corn dogs. i have eaten a lot of them this week. thanks kyeathey.

x. this.
---------------------------------------------------------

i hope you guys enjoyed that as much as i did. it took me two days, so make lots of comments.

Attention:

if you are my "friend," but you are embarassed by me or think i should grow up and like to treat me like a fifth grader, kiss my ass.

that is all.

i KNOW

i'm lazy and slack

i swear, i will soon tell you about the best concert i've ever seen in my life.

and about the wedding i sang in this weekend.

and the bar hopping i did.

and the five-and-a-half hour nap i took today.

peace out.

Concert recount

sadly my first concert was Carman. i was about 8. but i have fully redeemed myself in the last 8 years.

as of next tuesday:
DMB - 3
Switchfoot - 4
Pedro the Lion - 2
Nickel Creek - SIX
FIF - 2
Pigeon John - 3
P.O.D. - 6
Blindside - 5
John Mayer - 1
India Arie - 1
Ozomatli - 1
Eisley - 1

plus one attending of Cornerstone music festival in Bushnell, IL, where i saw lotsa wicked awesome bands, including Dashboard Confessional.

you can subtract 1 point for the fact that i saw macy gray. i couldn't help it. she opened up for dave in atlanta in '01.

me out.

ps - chuck norris knows the last number of pi.

next wednesday i will be frowning

UNTIL THEN I'M GRINNING EAR TO EAR!!!

so i've been trying to win tickets off of 99x in atlanta to the SOLD OUT dave matthews concert next tuesday. well today my friend kamma called and SHE WON!!!!!! WOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

back to the place where i first saw them! lakewood amphitheater. well, now it's called hifibuys amphitheater, but that's stupid and i hate commercialism, so lakewood it is. 1999, i was on the tenth (10th) row, and ozomatli opened for them, which rules.

i'm gonna talk more about this in the days to come, so sleep well, and dream of large women.

can't....move...

heat...too......unbearable....

must...water...

uhgdbdrgn.....

(psssstt! i feel it!)

yeah. you SHOULD know better.



seriously.

The need...for STEED

don't you feel it?

this post will automatically up my dork factor by 983245 points. see, i'm a comic book collector, which ups my dork points on a weekly basis. but if there is any comfort in that, it's the fact that i don't play role playing games, like dungeons & dragons. and i certainly don't collect the cards. THESE acne machines get together in PUBLIC to play these games. and they buy cards and...throw them at each other, or something.

now, what i'm about to tell you, i only know because i just had to look it up, and that's this: there is a role playing game called Munchkin. now, i know nothing about how or why 39-year-old single guys and 14-year-old math club treasurers like this stuff, but it's huge. d&d. pokemon. MUNCHKIN. magic the gathering. nerds from far and wide pretend like they are 'pongo the dragonator' and get together with their friends and pretend to pretend to play. and so on and so forth.

but this Munchkin: i was in borders tonight looking for some dominoes and up on the wall i saw this.

OH YEAH! IT'S A ROLE PLAYING GAME! with my LAST NAME in the subtitle!! my life is over! they are gonna think i'm their hero or something!! i'm gonna have 15-year-old dragonslayers coming to my door!! and didja see?!? the GIANT. MUTANT. GERBIL. and just so you know exactly how UNcool this is, this will explain it.

shoot me.

kristen handed me my ass tonight in Yahoo! Go Fish. it was humbling and NOT what i needed after a pissy night. props to you.

aaaand holycrapreadthis!

observation skills be damned

i totally changed my picture on myspace after about a year and a half of the same picture, and no one has noticed. it's subtly different. my old one was the one you see here at the 'Door. the other one you can see if you click my MySpace link at the right. so, what the heck, you know?

everybody is caught up on the whole 'beatrice' thing.

sigh.

ps - Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "...but Chuck Norris isn't black...", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

by the way

I would like to welcome a couple of people to the Wardrobe.

first, courtney is a great blogger and a fellow avid movie watcher, apparently. check her out! (i found courtney through sara, who is a long-distance chum and a good read.)

second, my long-time friend rodger has finally been suckered into this junk. we have been good friends since junior year of college, which was *mumblemumble* years ago. his blog title, the inner cesspool, is a Lewis quote, as is mine. he's a great writer and the best guitarist i have ever heard. and he has a big head. just kidding. his wife, angela, is another one of my best friends (i met her before i met him, and this has been recently discussed/argued about). so check him out, too.

and as a final prop, my friend kristEn switched blogs when she switched cities. she's the second-most funniest person i know, so be enthralled.

hasta.

blog envy

you guys wanna see a fandamntastic blog? read this. whatever you are drinking will shoot out of your nose.

so, you know...don't drink a knife or anything.


ps...see the time? yeah i just got home from work.
:( sadfaceexplosion!! :(

freaking myspace

because of that dumbass site, i get so much spam in my email. i swear i didn't have any spam until the day i signed up with myspace. and, it makes my computer at work freak out and try to download viruses. seriously, if it wasn't so addicting, i'd quit using it. but i'm not gonna.

maybe i'll email tom.

the "Organization Automobile" memoirs

"organization automobile" is the code name for the place at which i work. this place has added more drama to my life than any three people combined. ever.

well, except these two girls that i won't mention. they don't read this and none of you know them, but you never know...

well, i'm officially sick. you know how sick i am? my tastebuds aren't working. THAT'S RIGHT. it's not that i can't taste anything, it's that everything tastes wierd. even water. you KNOW you are sick when water tastes wierd. this isn't crappy city water either. this is YUMMY culligan water. gross. pop tart? gross. sprite? gross. Miyabi rice and steak? gross. but i'm still eating it, because i'm hungry. big shocker there.

FINALLY something pretty cool happened at work, though. i've made quite a few friends in the engineering department, since that's where i work. well, yesterday one of my technician friends said that the head honcho here was talking up a storm about me. ME. he said he liked working with me, i had a good attitude and work ethic, i seemed on top of things, and i'm very willing to help. AND that i'm a good guy and he likes me. I KNOW. he must not work with me that much if he thinks all those things. haha just kidding. i AM awesome. but, they need to pony up the dough if they think all of those things about me. i mean, i can barely afford my bills with what they are paying me here. RRAARGGHHHH!! sorry, i had to clear my throat.

the reason that i have been at work the past three days, yay though i am sick, is because i'm taking off tomorrow afternoon and friday morning. i'm gonna stop by the lake to see virginia and lacy as they study for the boards, and then go see my brother at the cabin. this, i am excited about. why? because i won't be at work.

sigh.

(the contents of this blog may be off-kilter and wierd. this is due to the fact that patrick cannot breath or taste food...two things he loves dearly. please ignore bad writing and worse humor. basically, he is asking you to laugh sympathetically)

all this, and yet i'm at work

Hi. I'm Johnny Depp.

I just made $132 Million Dollars for Buena Vista Pictures. I am awesome. You are not. That is all.

um, so...

Pirates of the Carribean 2 made $55 million dollars.

Yesterday.

Only.

That's...the biggest opening day. Ever.

Maybe I should order my tickets on Fandango.

(psssstt! guess what i did monday!)

yeah that calf drank an entire half gallon of milk in about 45 seconds. she kept trying to pull it out of my hand, but as you can see, i have hulk-grip, so nowayjose. here is a picture of the bottle.

so, yeah she's gonna be big and strong.

also, superman was awesome, and it awesomely sucked at the box office, so something is wrong. maybe it's the fact that lex luthor was AGAIN the villain for the fourth time in five movies, and it was kinda long. but still AWESOME. but, now they don't have a chance because PIRATES 2 is coming out this weekend and of course it is going to destroy the world. other movies i watched this weekend: the devil wears prada (awesome), out cold (superawesome), fever pitch (fantastically awesome), almost heroes (meh), and starsky and hutch (hilARious).

hope everybody else's 4th was as busy as mine!

look! up in the sky! it's a bird! it's a PLANE!! no! it's...captain....jack...sparrow?!

so now that i've seen superman twice, it's on to Pirates 2. and i am so. friggin. exCITED!!

read this. and this. on that second one, scroll down to "reviews." this may be the best movie of the summer, i can't tell yet. but i will let you know. after that, it's all up to clerks ii.

well, tomorrow i'm headed to my mom's for a couple of days. we will work and watch movies. and hopefully eat lots of icecream.

happy birthday, again, america. watch that trick hip.

10 PM

the whirled cup

(make sure you click on the picture and take a good look)

this just in: soccer is BO-RING.

i'm sorry. i tried. i really did. for years i hated on soccer because i didn't understand it and, you know, i'm american. so today me and andrew watched two games, the first of which i slept through, because you know...sunday and stuff. but then we watched nederland (holland, apparently) versus portugal (spain west). you know what i figured out? soccer players are babies. ok, honestly, watching Netherlands vs. Portugal wasn't exactly fair, because there were a LOT of flags. but still, they are drama queens. here's my interpretation.

portugal guy: kick, run, run, kick.
holland guy: chase, chase.
portugal guy: kick, run, PASS.
other portugal guy: receive, run, kick, kick.
mosquito: stab! in the leg, suck blood.
other portugal guy: "OWch!" fall down. "Stretcher!!"
holland guy: "what'd i do?"
other portugal guy: roll around, grimmace. "My leg!!"
referee: yellow card!
holland guy: *&&#*^#$^
portugal guy: he's gone man, you can get up.
other portugal guy: "cool." run, kick, kick.

THEY. ARE. BABIES. little tiny girls with pigtails. i am still gonna try to watch it, because it WAS really exciting when they were about to score.

it is still hotter than three hells, and i worked 60 hours last week, so i'm gonna try not to die this week. pray for me. and for kristen. she just moved to PHOENIX and it's like, 114 degrees there. suck.

sorry you guys

it's not that i don't have anything to say or that i'm tired of blogging, it's just that it's so damn hot here. i've been working in this infernal heat every day and i'm truly exhausted. i'll be back online soon.

lub.

A List...

I AM unsatisfied.
I WANT to start over.
I WISH married friends had single friend time.
I HATE heat.
I MISS the grunge era.
I FEAR unsuccessfulness.
I HEAR ben folds, kawasaki engines.
I WONDER if i'll ever lose 80 lbs.
I REGRET way too many things for a 28-year-old.
I AM NOT as angry as i seem.
I DANCE pretty well for a big white guy.
I SING worse than i did when i was in college, but still well.
I CRY quietly.
I MAKE too much sense for my own good.
I WRITE schizophrenically. no, seriously, i do.
I NEED a purpose.
I SHOULD read my bible.
I START enthusiastically.
I FINISH reluctantly.
I'M GLAD human life span is not 29 years.
(thanks, sara.)
*************************************************
i'm feeling top-5 ish, so...

Top 5 songs when you are down
1. Skin (Vigilantes of Love)
2. Raining in Baltimore (Counting Crows)
3. Fred Jones, pt. 2 (Ben Folds)
4. I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You (Colin Hay)
5. Fade Into You (Mazzy Star)

i may update this list later, but these are the ones for now. they just match the mood, you know? montage songs.

listen to turin brakes.

RARRGH!

married friends ar dum. poop on thems.

so, if you haven't seen the movie CARS, drop all that you are doing and go see it now. it is absolutely awesome. splendiferous, even. the only thing i didn't like about the movie is rascal flatts trying to sing 'life is a highway.' they need to stick to their own crap.

me and sean are almost moved into our apartment. soon, there will be festivities, games and merriment. in a very small space. so, you know, come on over!

oh, and if you know of any jobs, let me know so that i can apply and get turned down for them.

thanks. o_O

Tomohawk SLAP

for anybody who is not a baseball fan, this post will suck to you. so you may skip it if you desire.

the braves suck. there's no way around it. i'm about to tell you why the organization as a whole needs to rethink everything. first of all, this season is proving what i have believed for a long time, which is: bobby cox sucks as a manager. i'm sorry. i know we have won 14 straight division titles (whoopee, look at our division), but in 14 straight years of playoffs, how many world series have we won? one. un. ein. eis. uno. 1. we. are. the. buffalo. bills. of. baseball. and we are a laughing stock. everybody knows, as soon as we get into the playoffs, it's over for us. end of story. we are going to suffer some humiliating first round defeat. except, not this year. this year, we aren't going to the playoffs. know why? because bobby cox sucks. yes. but also because leo mazzoni left. see, leo, our masterful pitching coach from the last 15 years, was really the glue that held this team together. because of him and his leadership, we had perhaps the greatest core of pitchers, maybe ever assembled in major league baseball. maybe if we had let leo manage, we would have won some more world series'. but no, we are forced to suffer the ills of the bobby cox era.

point 2. (was there a 1?) whoever the crap it is that owns the braves now, they need to sell the team back to ted turner. ted, for the love of God, buy your team back and run it the way an owner should. aol doesn't know how to run a team! atlanta spirit doesn't know how to run a team! you know how to run a team! come back! please!! but don't bring jane with you. we hate her.

point 3. the 'Ted is cool and all, but there is WAY to freaking much advertising going on. people are so blinded by all the flashing signs, nobody cares about the game (probably because they are losing). we went to a game this past weekend, and i think i counted about 40-50 different advertisements. does anybody remember atlanta-fulton county stadium? home of the braves from around 1966 to 1995 or so? the place was a dump: dirty, smelly, you name it. and home to one of the worst records in baseball for about two decades. but then came 1991 and the majestic run from worst to first, and those cheating bastard twins who cheated like hell (kent hrbek) and played their asses off (puckett, gladden) and beat us in 7 beautiful games in the world series, themselves having completed a worst to first season. afc stadium was historic. a homerun-hitter's park, where we assembled the awesome might of glavine, smoltz, avery, and maddux, and turned it into a hitter's nightmare. time was, you walked into atlanta and your shirt didn't say braves, your ass was in trouble.

and then the olympics rolled around, and because the world was now looking directly at atlanta, they decided we needed a new, beautiful, shiny, FREAKING EXPENSIVE ballpark, and they turned afc stadium into a parking lot (which i walked through the other night and wanted to kiss the ground). so, they built the Ted. turner field. the braves had just won their only world series in '95 over the indians, and we stuck them in a new stadium, charged out the ass for ticket prices and that was it. and they wonder why they can't sell out of tickets for a game anymore. not even in the playoffs.

so that's it. the braves suck because they are being dragged down by a dinosaur, by a by-the-book coach, and a group of owners that don't know a baseball from a turnip, and because the beautiful people that bleed for this team can't afford to go anymore, much less go to watch them lose.

oh and bobby, about saturday night? you should have walked damion easley in the eigth, you moron.

I wish my lawn was emo

So that it would cut itself

23,772

44,687 68,557 58,299 4

21,774 47,337 39,358 33

96,443 118,467 102,970 1

sigh...it's alright if you don't understand. it's an inside joke anyway.
*******************************************
some music for you

david bazan

david wilcox

ozomatli

ancourage

unwed sailor

headphones

cloud cult

calexico

gnarls barkley

and of course, mazzy star
*******************************************

take care of each other.

fabulocity

i just now made that word up. use it. today.

before i get into it, x-men 3 is fricking awesome, and m:i-3 is still the best movie of the year.
************************************************
i just realized, with somewhat of a bit of glee, and for some reason a bid of wierdness and melancholy, that i have posts i wrote on here, but i was too afraid to put up for one reason or another. there is a certain danger in letting friends know about your blog, i.e, you can't talk about them. but also, there is the possibility (poss.i.bil.i.ty...got it) that they have told other people about it, and now, you can't talk about anybody. so there are things written here in the 'Door that you will probably never see. deep, dark secrets about...you know, being turned on by cake, and how i made out with a cat once...you know, private stuff.

i've been doing a lot of movie lists lately. me and my buddies monty and jason (work friends) have been playing this game lately, like 'name as many sports movies as you can,' or 'all the movies that arnold schwarzenegger has been in' (i actually won that one). and then i read in EMPIRE magazine where they did the 201 best movies of all time (take a guess as to which movie won. 1994. i don't disagree with the selection, either). and bravo had a thing on yesterday about the 100 funniest movies of all time. i honestly think my heart is in film. i don't know. i'm really way too scared to try to go and do it. somebody said last year that about 40,000 people move to hollywood every year with aspirations to be in movies. 40,000. that's a few.

for the life of me, i don't know why i think about movies so much. i spend most of my days daydreaming about my life, as if i could sculpt my own path, and how it would look. some days, i actually AM a filmmaker. some days i'm in law enforcement. some days, i'm right here in augusta, only i'm happy and enjoy my work and have lots of friends to share inside jokes with. friends that take our friendship as seriously as i do. but that's not really news to me, my desire for deep friendships. top 5 movies: high fidelity, top gun, reality bites, with honors, so i married an axe murderer. four of those five have elements that i crave and desire. deep friendships, intense stories, humor, an unending knowledge of music and movies, montages (GOD i wish life had montages!!), COOLishness, etc.

and, then there's the being able to fly jet planes and slap guys on the ass while playing volleyball without a shirt on.

it's not that i hate my life per se, it's just that i want more out of it, and at 28, i'm now too afraid to make the huge changes that i need to make. i'm content in sitting in the back of the bus, when i should either pull the chord and get off (you know, changing busses), or else just throw the driver off and start driving. but the truth is that i'm not content with this. i'm just afraid. and, as i've said before, i'm tired of being unsuccessful.
************************************************
fred jones, pt. 2
ben folds

Fred sits alone
at his desk in the dark
there's an awkward
young shadow that waits in the hall

he has cleared all his things
and he's put them in boxes
things that remind him
that life has been good

twenty-five years
he's worked at the paper
a man's here
to take him downstairs
and "I'm sorry,
Mr. Jones, it's time"

there was no party
and there were no songs
'cause today's just a day
like the day that he started

and no one is left here
that knows his first name
yeah, and life barrels on
like a runaway train

where the passengers change
they don't change anything
you get off
someone else can get on
and "I'm sorry,
Mr. Jones, it's time"

the streetlight
it shines through the shades
casting lines on the floor
and lines on his face
he reflects on the day

Fred gets his paints out
and goes to the basement
projecting some slides
onto a plain white canvas

and traces it,
fills in the spaces
he turns off the slides
and it doesn't look right

yeah, and all of these bastards
have taken his place
he's forgotten, but not yet gone
and "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones"
and "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones"
and "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones, it's time"

Hey you guys new stuff is up!

i've been reading natalie dee way too long.

william just showed me two new cool sites that have daily funny crap on them. tomorrow i'm gonna make a list about me of things i like and don't like. it'll be awesome.

(pssst...click the T and the O in the word "two," you guys)

I think I'm pregnant

i have been craving the HELL out of some grape soda. yesterday i had a fanta grape and a welch's grape, and i'm pretty sure that fanta is better.

but either way my poop is going to be green.

yesterday morning i had an interview at my brother's school to be a teacher. a TEACHER. me. influencing middle schoolers. oh and after the interview, which went very well, i went to my brother's office. outside his office are these chairs with arms on them, and as i went to sit down in one of them, my right pocket got caught on the arm and i ripped a huge hole down the side of my suit pants. my underwears were showing. not good.

so anyways, i'm moving today. if anybody has any free time, come help.

a fun link for you: top 8

I must say

check out natalie dee and toothpaste for dinner, and their other two sites, married to the sea and Charles Dee, their dogs' tribute site. this is comedy at it's finest, and i wish i could steal all their crap and make it my own.

SNAKE TORNADO!!!!

HELL-O!!! HellO!! hELLo!!! eh?

no response. maybe my mic is turned off. maybe everybody left. maybe i'm alone in this dark room.

is anybody there? hullo?

hmm...

The funniest picture on the internet.

this is my friend andrew. and this is his grandfather. and this is the funniest picture on the internet. you don't believe me? look around.

also, a funny idea that me and jim conjured up this morning. if somebody tells you you're late, then just say, "then i'm good." if they ask for an explanation, just say, "hey, if time is money, and the love of money is the root of all evil, then the love of time is also the root of all evil. so, being on time is evil and late is good, because then you don't love time. sucker."

I have the rage again.

BUT, i'm not gonna talk about him on here, like he's talked about me to a whole bunch of people. let's just say somebody needs to learn some responsibility. you're 24, and you need to be a man of your word.

my cousin graduated from mcg today. top of her class. now she and her husband are going to spain for two years, and then she's starting her residency at yale. she's the white sheep of our family. tonight, i went to her house for her graduation party. she and her husband live in a frickin mansion over on the savannah river. it was a good party. some of my family were there, as well as some of her husband's family, and some business partners. let me tell you, rich white women are crazy. and loud. and one old guy had on a purple suede jacket. of course, i'm talking to my other cousin (mcg's brother), and he says, "man i want one of those jackets." he was dead serious.

my cousin's husband is jason. his brother dustin was there, and it was hilarious to watch them hit each other, and play jokes on each other. we decided that no matter how old brothers get, they will always be like that. about a year ago, before my brother moved out of gainesville, i was at his house helping him pressure wash his back patio. i was at the hose rolling it up on the roley-cart thingy. and the house was going out between my legs and out into the yard as i was rolling it up. and so of course, my brother walks out into the yard, grabs the end of the hose, and cracks it like a whip. the wave goes all the way across the yard, wave by wave, right into my crotch. i fall down in pain. he falls down in laughter. he's 35.

35.

and he still tells that story.

ATTENTION!! CUIDADO!! ACHTUNG!!

i don't care if you don't like tom cruise.

i don't care if you didn't like m:i-2.

i don't care if you don't like unrealistic action movies.

GO. SEE. MISSION. IMPOSSIBLE. 3.

it is awesome. everything about the movie is awesome. and the best part? phillip seymour hoffman as a bad guy. he is evil incarnate. he gave me chills. i'm gonna see it two or three more times. and i recommend you all do the same.

THE ONE WHERE PAT quits doing that.

ooh. a rhyme.

so the other day i saw lacy at pj's (killer coffee house, best italian cream soda ever), and she and i got to talking about car wrecks, because she had just had one. all-of-the-sudden, i was reminded of a story, which i told her, and i am now going to tell you. well, it's not so much a story as a mere remembrance, but it made for a funny conversation.

the day before i turned 17 (which has been about 11 years ago now), i ran a stop sign and hit a car. i barely hit it, and nobody was injured and my ticket was only $36. that night my brother calls and says, "let me talk to mario andretti." my freshman year in high school, i got into a fight at school. that night my brother called and said, "let me talk to mike tyson." my brother is hilarious. so i'm recalling this in my conversation to lacy. and i told her, "last year after my nephew was born, my brother went and got the...you know....the boys removed. i was going to call him and ask to talk to somebody funny, but i couldn't think of anybody." lacy's reply:


"you should have asked to talk to john wayne bobbitt."

THE ONE WHERE PAT IS FULL OF RAGE

that's a movie/tv reference. any takers?

two things about my titles. a) i'm not shouting. kristen thinks i'm shouting, but i'm not. i just thought it would be funny to put my titles in all caps since i don't use caps in my posts. and 2) i think i'm done with this series of "the one where..."'s. it only slightly an homage to 'friends,' and moreso just boredom. ok, back to the rage.

FREAKIN DENTAL SCHOOL!!! sorry virginia. but DANGIT! ok, so of course last friday, i had all of my wisdom teeth out. it was a great experience, i was very pleased, and my doctor was attractive, so that helped. today, i had an appointment for a post-op checkup at 1pm. so i took a HALF day off from work. i was there at 10-til-1, signed in, and proceeded to wait for TWO. FREAKING. HOURS. i mean, seriously, people came in to have their wisdom teeth out that showed up, went in for surgery, and came out and left while i was still sitting there. i read EIGHT different time magazines in there (and i think...I THINK...somebody doesn't like george w. just a hunch.) and had to frequently go out and take walks. BUT i never went more than 20 feet away, so that i could hear if they called my name. so finally, i went out in the hall because this baby was driving me nuts, and i see virginia, who i had called two and a half hours before about lunch, and proceed to BEGIN a conversation with her, when the oral surgery secretary walks out. she sees me and smiles. 'did you just finish?' she asks. i weakly smile, 'no.' 'THEY HAVEN'T CALLED YOU YET?' 'no,' again with a slight smile. i'm really a nice guy. so she goes running back, and beckons me to follow. i go in, thinking 'ok i'm gonna be in here about a half an hour, and then i can eat.' i sit in my chair, wait another six minutes for the doc to show up (not the attractive one, but a dude), asks me if i'm in pain, looks in my mouth, gives me a syringe......and i'm done. three minutes, 26 seconds.

the rage still has not subsided. it has now been about 30 minutes since i left the office. maybe i should get something to eat....

THE ONE WHERE PAT HAS TO MAKE DECISIONS ON THE DIRECTION IN WHICH HIS LIFE IS GOING.

Not that making decisions on my blog will change my life, but you know...

This isn't a new thing with me. Every couple of weeks I have a quarter- to mid-life crisis where I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I so want my life to be a movie. It would be sad and angst-y, and probably poserish. This weekend I watched a lot of movies and Friends while recuperating from having my wisdom teeth cut out. One of the episodes I watched was the one or two episode arc where Chandler quits his job. "Why am I the only one that doesn't get to do what he loves?" he laments. Well, I would share in his lament, only I actually don't know what I would LOVE to do. There are things I would like to do, but my only real, REAL thing that I would LOVE to do is move to Jollywood and become famous as an actor or filmmaker. Well, or maybe a comic book writer, but there doesn't seem to be much money in that. I'm not sure.

I just wish I could go back about 13 years and slap myself and tell myself to figure crap out earlier. "Hey, younger, slimmer Pat...do something with your life. Be a doctor or a lawyer or an actor or something. Stop hoping that you'll figure it out later. Go on and do it. DO IT. NOW." Oh I wish. I wish I had done something. The Navy was dying to get me right out of high school. I should have gone. I love my friends and my church, but that's it. I would give up everything else. There are lots of regrets in this area, and I need to sort them, forgive myself for them, and get over them. And start making something of myself. If anybody has any ideas, let me know.

************************************************
Burn That Broken Bed
Iron and Wine/Calexico

How do you bust the clouds
Press on your back been hanging in the air
I wanna scope you out
I wanna touch your mouth when you're up there

When are you coming back
Bird on a branch will come back home to sing
When are you coming back
Bringing it back and singing what you bring

How do you bust the clouds
Head on the ground and feeling what you've seen
I wanna scope you out
I wanna be your eyes and show you me

When are you coming back
When are you gonna burn that broken bed
When are you coming back
I wanna see you drifting overhead

THE ONE WHERE PAT IS ON OXYCODONE. YUM.

i hed my wisdum teef cut out yestirdaye. i feel dummer.

It's been a crazy week. Tuesday and Wednesday, I had jury duty. Boy that's dumb. I know it's my civic duty and all, but man that's annoying. Sit in a huge courtroom while they call the roll of over 100 people, and then when they get to you, you try to say "here," but your voice cracks and everybody looks at you. I was supposed to go back yesterday, but I had surgery, so they excused me.

Man I was nervous as crap, too. I don't know why. The only thing I remember is them putting an IV in, and then later I was laying on my couch. Good times. I was supposed to have two pulled and two cut out, but they ended up cutting out all four. And apparently I was flirting with the nurse who thought I looked like her college boyfriend. Ah, well.

Also, this past wednesday I taught the first of a six-week guitar class at a local church. That's gonna be cool I guess. I got paid about 500 monies, so I hope I don't disappoint anybody.

Oh well, I'm gonna go lay back on the couch and eat icecream and watch a movie. I have a tough life, I'm sure.

THE ONE WHERE NATALIEDEE AND THE TOOTHPASTE GUY TALK ABOUT SUFJAN STEVENS. AND ANGELS.

THE ONE WHERE PAT HAS A CASE OF THE MONDAYS. ON THURSDAY.

THE ONE WHERE PAT APOLOGIZES

I'm sorry I haven't posted lately. I'm going through a quarter-life crisis right now, and it's a real humdinger. Plus our home internet is down. I promise I will be back soon.

Love.

THE ONE WHERE PAT LAUGHED A LOT

These are awesome. I will share them with you.
*********************************************
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.)

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver. Or month. (I added month. Love, Pat.)

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail."
************************************************
My favorites are 4, 7, 9, 23, and 24. I love you guys.

Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooey

Can anyone name the sequel to that title? Do it.

I hate not having things to say. I used to be funny. Don't believe me? Read my posts from last year. They are awesome. I decided on the way home tonight that it's not that i don't have fun anymore, it's that the stuff that pisses me off is now outweighing the stuff that makes me laugh. So, I'm gonna work on that. I apologize for always being down.

Anyways.

Me and brad are about to watch wedding crashers. I will probably fall asleep during it. "you shut your mouth when you're talking to me!"

THIS. IS. AWESOME. PERIOD.

tRaFfIc StUdY

in case you don't understand how it works, you put your mouse where is says "traffic study," and then you click it.

lllllater.

Thanks Bree. I laughed a lot.

Girl #1: You should see this guy. He's like the reincarnation of Gerard Way.
Girl #2: Gerard Way's not dead.
Girl #1: He's emo. He's dead inside.

stupid cat

i was driving home from borders tonight, and long story short, i ran over a cat. it ran out right in front of me, right at the last second. it wasn't dead, because it actually limped off. i felt really bad, but it was his fault. sorry kitty.

so even though my life is in a stupid place right now, and indie music is my life's soundtrack, which is sad, i'm actually in a pretty good mood. probably because i'm watching scrubs. but you know, good times are good times.

tomorrow is comic book day. just so you know, i subscribe to about 20 different comic books, and wednesday is new comic day. tomorrow the new infinite crisis comes out, so nobody call me after work, because i will be reading that several times.

i must say, despite the whole comic book thing, i actually feel pretty mature right now. i mean, i have actually conversed with my ex-girlfriend three times, and not once did i curse. or, you know, spit or anything. how grown up am i?

i love maturity.
*******************************************************
Natural Disaster
by Headphones

Here I thought the drinks were free
but all the time they were grooming me
to be the egg that laid the golden goose.

Now I know we disagree
but soon enough we'll all be free;
that is to worship any way I choose.

But you would wait on the rapture
or a natural disaster to come around.
Or maybe a couple of airplanes
could crash into buildings
and put the fear of God in you.

Cause now we're taking over
and no one is the wiser,
with mexican and negro cabinet advisors.

I cut down the cherry tree
and when my mother confronted me
I told her I could never tell a lie.

Cause I have integrity
if you had been there then you'd agree
that no one wants to hear the truth.

What do you want from me?
Can't you see that I'm a talking puppet?
And when someone pulls my strings
I mouth the words, and I suggest you follow suit.

But you would wait on the rapture
or a natural disaster to come around.
Well maybe a couple of airplanes
could crash into buildings
and put the fear of God in you.

the cheat blog

I like these. So sue me.

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9 .Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19. Procrastinate !!! Now !!!

20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

blah. blagh. blahg. blog.

it's been a few days, readers, and for that i apologize. there's been a bunch of stuff going on. this past saturday, we held a memorial service for my uncle. back home where my mom lives, my aunt lives a mile a way from her, and she has a lake down behind her house. uncle paul used to sit by the lake with his guitar and a little fire, and play and watch the water. it was rainy and bitter cold saturday, and we were outside. but we were under a tent, and a lot of people showed up so it was really nice. i played two of his songs, my brother read scripture, and my mom and my aunt read eulogies. my uncle milsey also had a eulogy, but he couldn't be there, so somebody else read it for him.

it took me a while to notice, but there was a huge elephant under that tent. nobody wanted to, or could, say the things that could have been said about him. you know, you just don't want to say those things at a memorial service or funeral. but i looked around a couple of times and saw a few people that looked like they want to jump up and say, "hey! he was a jerk! he did a lot of stupid crap and took advantage of me! i hated him!" i hope nobody feels that way at my funeral.

by the way, new albums by headphones, p.o.d., project 86, and jack johnson. check 'em all out.

another awesome scrubs moment

jd: "hey dr. kelso! dr. townsend (played by dick van dyke) here was just telling me you had a bunch of great stories about the hospital from the old days. i'd love to hear some."

dr. kelso: "well, i don't see why not. why I remember one time back in '68, I don't like you. the end."
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honestly, one of the funniest shows on television.

The Movie Of Your Life Is Film Noir

So what if you're a little nihilistic at times? Life with meaning is highly over-rated. Your best movie matches: Sin City, L. A. Confidential, Blade Runner

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

My quarter-life crisis

I hate my life. That's my crisis.

Awesome.

HAHA...i just thought of the last episode of season 9/first episode of season 10 of friends where monica and mike are playing ping pong and he says, "oh i forgot to tell you. i'm awesome." that's good stuff.

yep.

----------------------------------------------------------------
dr. reed: "dr. kelso, i am not leaving here until i get an answer."

dr. kelso: "sweetheart, there are lots of people who feel this hospital would be a better place if we made some changes. take ted for instance."

ted: "i feel i would be more productive if my phone dialed out."

dr. kelso: "this hospital has always had a co-ed lockerroom. why, back when i was a resident, i remember blah blah blah nos-talgic story now get the hell out of my office!"

(ted turns to leave)

dr. kelso: "not you ted!"

(dr. reed turns to leave. ted stands. dr. kelso reads a file)

dr. kelso: "ted get the hell out my office!!"

ted: "ok"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

listen to the band "headphones"

HA!

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman 70% Spider-Man 70% Hulk 70% Green Lantern 70% The Flash 60% Catwoman 60% Iron Man 55% Batman 50% Robin 35% Supergirl 30% Wonder Woman 30%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

The circus is falling down on it's knees

Sunday morning at midnight, my uncle Paul was hit by a car.
___________________________________________________________
Largo man killed in DUI hit-and-run

CITIZEN STAFF

KEY LARGO — A Key Largo man was killed while trying to cross the Overseas Highway on foot early Sunday by a suspected drunk driver who fled the scene.

Paul H. Seagraves, 54, was crossing the northbound lane near Mile Marker 99.4 about midnight when he was hit by the side-view mirror of a sport utility vehicle. He was lying in the road, screaming for help, when an approaching motorcyclist who didn't see him ran over him, witnesses told deputies.

The SUV driver, Marco Antonio Mole, 50, of Houston, was charged with driving under the influence and leaving the scene of a fatal crash. Mole ignored the pursuing deputy, but eventually turned into a parking lot and stopped, reports say. Mole admitted he had "just hit a guy in the middle of the road," reports said.

Mole said he'd had four vodka drinks an hour before the accident and fled the scene because he was scared, reports said. Troopers said Mole was unsteady, slurred his speech, had bloodshot eyes and smelled of alcohol, reports said. He was taken to Mariners Hospital in Tavernier for an alcohol-blood test.

The 38-year-old Miramar man driving the 1997 Kawasaki motorcycle was not charged. Deputies say Seagraves was wearing dark clothes, it was cloudy, and there are no street lights where Mole hit Seagraves.
_________________________________________________________

My uncle Paul is who is commonly referred to as the black sheep of a family. He was injured while in service to his country in the early 80's, and soon after developed an addiction to pain killers. He's been a goner ever since. He's been mostly homeless or in jail since 1990, and I've only heard him once in the last 15 years when his speech wasn't slurred. Most of the family didn't speak to him, and we usually didn't know where he was, but mom did. We knew where he was living and tried to keep in touch, at times much to our chagrin. Last Christmas, '04, Paul decided he wanted to come and visit for a couple of days. It was nearly a disaster. He fussed and complained. Here's a man who was around 55 years old, no teeth (even though he could have gotten dentures from the VA for $100), thin as a rail and barely able to walk. Basically the same as having a three-year-old in the house, only more demanding and more moody. It was a tough 5 days, but I gave him grace, even though, because of our family history, I know he didn't "deserve" it. On the last day of his visit, before he was getting on a plane to go back to Key Largo, we were having a horrible day. Arguements, lost tempers, etc, but I stayed nice to him and kept the peace as best I could. My brother and I were installing mom's new chandelier that I got her for Christmas, when Paul came in the room with my guitar and sat down and began to play. Paul has been an awesome musician for as long as I can remember. He used to live in Nashville, and jammed with a bunch of musicians who hold legendary status, including Gregg Allman, Charlie Daniels, and Earl Scruggs. He recorded an album a long time ago, and he was awesome. Anyway...Paul comes in with my guitar and starts to play. He played some old boogie and blues tunes that he knew from long ago, and...

And then he plays this song. I don't remember much about it, but it was about God and...I remember John and I staring at each other. I remember this calm that came over the house, and how Paul poured his heart out into that song. Just like he always did. I guess just for a moment it felt like things were...normal, I guess. Like Paul could get a second chance on life, on family...

I just wish I had another chance to go and make him feel like family. It really sucks that he died the same way that he lived. Alone. And in pain.

I'm so sorry, Uncle Paul.

Stupid Smallville!!

I swear, that show is so freaking dumb! I don't know why I watch it every week. It's poorly written, it doesn't follow the comic, and tom welling is a piss-poor actor. me and kristen and andrew were watching the 100th episode tonight, and i was actually quoting what they were about to say. It's just gets really lame sometimes. I could honestly write the show better., but, you know, it's still fun.

So, I totally went to my college loan website in december and january and made my payments, and they totally didn't receive my payments, so i'm 73 days and $588 dollars behind. Fortunately, i apparently still have the money in my checking account, so i'm good. But still, i called the people today, and every single one of the people i spoke to were from pakistan. or some damn place. i was so mad. AND and and i have to pay MORE taxes for my car because i bought it out of state. so, i think i've finally found out that i'm allergic to something. money. i am allergic to having money. and that's that.

other than that, great day. really.

Rest in peace, Matilda Claire (1989-2006)

She was 16 years old. That's 80 in cat years, according to the vet.

Matilda was a calico. She was two months old when we got her back in '89. She was the sweetest cat ever. She loved, LOVED, me and my mom, and her friend Bailey. Bailey is my mom's basketball-sized, anvil-weighted gray tabby. Matilda also loved Jake very much, my mom's terrier who died mid year last year, and Daisy, our Boston Terrier who died when I was in college. Matilda was a contortionist. She could sleep in any position in front of the fire place, and she loved sleeping on top of the couch in the sun room. She was a licker. She would just sit there and lick. She would lick your hand, your face, your hair, Bailey, whatever. Licky lickerson, that was her. According to the vet, she got cancer in her hind legs, and one of her legs had actually broken. When mom came home last saturday night, Matilda couldn't walk anymore. People who aren't in possession of wonderful pets can't understand what it's like to lose one. It really is like losing a family member. I was 11, when we got her, and me and my brother used to terrorize her relentlessly. We would put her in a paper bag and shake her around, or trap her under a clothes basket. She loved it. She would fight back, and she got really good. We should have enrolled her in some cat-fighting, maybe won some money. I'm just kidding. Matilda used to catch birds in the yard and bring them up on the porch in triumph. One of her first friends at our house was our black siamese, Samantha. They were mortal enemies by day, girlfriends by night.

Matilda was good people. It was sad to see her limping over Christmas break, and we knew the end was coming soon. We actually caught it pretty soon, and mom was with her when they put her down. Mom explained to me what happened in detail, and I managed not to cry on the phone. It's sounds stupid right? A 27 year old guy crying about a cat? But, you know...

Anyway. I love you Matilda. If we could take pets with us, I would take you. You were a classy broad.

MAS T-shirts!

That's spanish for "more t-shirts!"
Special thanks to BustedTs.com. You guys rock.